Thursday, November 5, 2015

I've Seen Hell :No Love, No Trust!

Greetings to you Ms. Amara, I have been a fan of yours for a while - I mostly read the messages and your most encouraging and appreciating response. I didn't want to put what's going on in my life out there, thinking that things will get better, but its not, it keeps getting worse and worse, therefore I have decided to reach out to you for a candid advise/response. Here I go:

I have been married to my husband for four years. He is from Nigeria and I am from another country in W.Africa. This is my second marriage. We have been married for four years with a child. We got married and I was able to help him go through his immigration process for a proper stay in the US. In this four years, the marriage has not been nothing but turmoil and abuse.
The police was involved two years ago due to a domestic violence in which he put his hands on me and I had to get the police involved. Thinking that after all these happenings, things will get better but it keeps getting worse.
He continued to always bring my self esteem down that it will lead to confrontations, with him intimidating me, always shoving his fingers in front of my face whilst invading my space.

Currently we are not talking to each other for the past month because of a silly argument that occurred in which he confronted me again, shoving his fingers at my face, which made me slap his hands after telling him to stop.
Because of the slap, he has determined not to speak to me, after I have pleaded with him and asked for his forgiveness, our pastor has even spoken to us to forgive and forget.
It seemed as if his mind is made up to end the marriage, which got me thinking that he never loved me in the first place and now he is making it obvious that he was into this for the papers and now that his papers are finalized, he is done with me and could careless.

In fact he never paid any pride price for me, as he initially told me that it is not part of him. I don't even know his people, we only talk on the phone.
Before we got married I asked him several times that I hope you are not getting into this for papers and if there is anything that I need to know, such as having wife and kids back in Nigeria, let him say so, but he swore to everything, that he is going into this with clean and clear intentions-LOVE.
In this four years of marriage all I have seen is HELL- no love, no trust etc. etc.

Aunty Amara, I need your candid advice- cause I'm about to move out of the apartment with my children(I have a teenage son from my previous relationship, who is most often in the middle during our fights).
This man says he's a man of God, but yet still he does not have a forgiving heart, after I pleaded and apologised to him. This marriage has been filled with lot of abuses, both verbally and physically.
He would do and say things to me in which he will apologise and I will forgive him immediately. For a minor issue/slap from me, he cannot forgive??

The home at this point is toxic, full of malice and hate. For the sake of my sanity and the love for my children I have decided to separate myself from him until both of us figure out the next step.

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read my epistle as I await your candid response.



Dear sweetheart, 
I understand that you are in pains and agony of getting married to a man whose purpose and intentions aren't clear to you. 
Coupled with the fact that there was never any friendship in your relationship, communicating with your partner has become a battle which is threatening the soul of your marriage. 
Let me begin with your attitude dear. Please do forgive me in advance for saying the truth. 
How do you treat your husband whenever you are with him? Do you respect him for who he is, understand his personality and takes your time to listen to him much more than you talk to him? 
Do you at least appreciate him even though he may not have been the one providing the needs of the home? 
Have you directly or otherwise taken the place of your husband and have resorted to using every means to let him know that you call the shot and doesn't take any shit from anybody? 
Sometimes some ladies unconsciously push their husband to the wall with their attitude and disrespect to their husband. 
While the law empowers anybody to know their rights, marriage empowers partners to know their roles in their home so that egos and pride doesn't destroy your home. 
Now that things are a bit broken down, please I would not suggest that leaving may bring the needed solutions that you desire. 
You need some time, and patience to understand what is going on in his mind and how best to fix your marriage. 
You need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband and find out how your attitude may have hurt him unknown to you so that you can make amends where necessary. 
I cannot tell his intentions for getting married to you but I can only encourage you to humble yourself, take things a little bit slowly and see if things can be resolved between you and him. 
How happy and healthy your marriage is depends more on how well you communicate with your husband and how much you are willing to give to see your marriage succeed. 
I know that you were really hurt which made you to call the cops but please look back and see if there were things that could have been done differently to have prevented such from happening? 
Can you possibly ignore some disagreements and simply listen to him without attacking or arguing with his opinions? 
Can you look inwards and find out if there are any commitment you could make to minimise physical or verbal abuse and instead discuss issues with him? 
Can you possibly invite God into your home and for some time decide to give him love much more than you have ever done in the past? 
Please take your time and before making any decisions about the future your marriage, discuss with him so that he would share his opinions on it. 
I am praying that God will intervene in the issues that are affecting your marriage and restore the love and joy that you both shared when you met with each other. 

1 comment:

  1. Before buying a product,it is critically important to learn how it functions and how to make the best use of it. As it is with products on the shelf,so it is with marriage. Anything short of this,will result in frustration,just like the one you are experiencing. Listen to Aunty Amara,and in addition to that, go and learn the Truths about Marriage.
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