Saturday, January 30, 2016

I Have no Atom of Feeling for Him!

Aunty Amara I have this issue that has been giving me restless thoughts. Something keeps telling me to share this burden with you that the response I will get from you will be God talking to me because I have made so many mistakes in life which I should have avoided if I had listened to my inner man instead I went ahead and did my own will. I blame myself seriously for all that have happened and still happening to me.
I met my husband through his sister when I was doing NYSC. Because of the way I attended to her, she liked me and jokingly said I will marry the brother. After my one year of service she got my contact through a staff where I served and called me. Meanwhile I got a job immediately after my service and remained in the state where I served.
All through my service year and after I lived a very reserved life,free from boyfriend and sex though I had people trying to date me here and there. The sister introduced me to the brother and within the space of six months he came for introduction then our traditional wedding. All through the six months of courting I never visited him,he was the one coming to see me and all that and we never had sex cos we agreed not to which I was so happy.
After our traditional wedding, I moved in with him cos his people were like that was the norm cos my bride prize has been paid for. I noticed that few weeks I moved in with him,he did have little or no erection. He was like maybe his enemies were at it with him again cos he was the only son and his family will always talk about how people are pursing their brother like how they killed their father. Moreover his mother and sisters loved me beyond measure and they always tried to spoil me with gifts.
Because of the love I chose to believe them while trying to work things out with my hubby sexually. After months of staying with him,we still did not consummate our marriage. I began to get worried cos I felt maybe he was not attracted to me but he kept giving me the assurance that he loves me more than I can imagine.
A day came I was conversing with my good friend about what I was going through and she gave me a hint of my hubby being gay,that was when it dawned on me to study my hubby. Meanwhile I noticed he was so attached to his phone but I refused to get bothered with it. One night he was fast asleep I took his phone and went through his WhatsApp, what I read and saw that day twisted my emotions psychological. My husband was gay from all that I read from the chat he had with several guys. that night I was broken,I thought of so many things. I made up mind to leave the next day but I had no money on me cos I had stopped working at that time cos of the long distance.
I confronted him with all that I read and he cried like a baby that morning begging that he was abused when he was little and that he can do anything to stop it if I can only support him in this journey. I believed him cos I saw the effort. We regained our sex life though it was not wonderful. I always speak up on how he could satisfy me cos am always not satisfied. I saw his struggles in trying to make our sex life work and I was there to support him.
At a time the sex was no longer for fun,it became sex to make babies cos it was only during my ovulation that the zeal for sex for my hubby is felt. I myself also belived that with a child I will invest my love in the child. As God would have it I became pregnant and with the pregnancy the sex became an issue for us in marriage.
As am writing now my husband and I have not had sex since I became pregnant till now which is getting to two years. Few weeks ago he came to me that it is time we start prepping up for the second baby. Since then he has been trying to indulge me on bed but I have no atom of feeling or whatsoever for my husband again. The only thought that keeps repeating in my head and mind about him is the gay thing cos since we have not been having sex that means he's doing his own thing (I think ).
He's now in denial that he is not gay, that all that was in the past. I really want this marriage to work and I have vowed not to cheat instead I will seek for a divorce than to be sleeping around all in the name of revenge cos I know he wouldn't mind. I feel so much for my baby cos I would have loved for him to grow and watch his parents in love than fighting and pretending to be in marriage when I know it is a nightmare to me. Aunty Amy please talk to me.

Be encouraged by the word of God in your marriage. I know that it is a difficult challenge considering the fact that you had no idea who he was and why exactly your friend decided not to tell you the truth about his brother. From the way and manner they showered you with love and gifts, it was obvious that there was something they were not willing to reveal to you. 
You have gone this far because you believed that God will show you mercy and give you the wisdom to manage this unpalatable challenge in your marriage. 
You started by communicating your displeasure with him and also helping him to make love to you. 
One thing you must have in mind is the fact that he's not emotionally wired to crave for vaginal sex so he may only want to have sex with you just because he want to have children and not necessarily because he is in love with you or because he's married to you. 
This you must correct and tactically deal with so that you don't suffer from sexual neglect and emotional torture and loneliness in your marriage. 
Communication is very key, you must sit him down and let him know what marriage entails and why sexual intimacy is not an option for couples but a necessity in your marriage. You must let him know that you have sexual cravings and that he cannot starve you of sex and expect you to be happy with him or prep for a another pregnancy. 
You and him must strike a balance and agree on how to improve on your sexual intimacy as couples. 
On your own part, you shouldn't wait for him to approach you or desire you before you make love with him. You need to re-strategize and give him some quality sex. You need to stop desiring him and go into possessing him as your husband and companion. There's no need to pretend to be happy when in reality you are dying from lack of attention and affection. 
Knowing that he may not understand the mechanism of female sexuality which he wasn't used to, you have to be his tutor and demonstrator to help him begin to see through your eyes what lovemaking ought to be like. 
Always give him a good morning sex, mid day sex and a late night sex. Massage him and caress his body with great pleasure and speak words of love to him. Baptise him with your breast and grab his testicles like a treasure you cannot do without. Wake up the man in him by seducing and wooing him to yourself. If the river is far from the bird, the bird will choose to fly to the river, so this is part of the psychological and emotional support that he needs to be weaned from gay sex.
Do not stop talking about sex with him or give him the space to derail to his old habits. Always get him to open up and talk to you, communication is very very important so that you can understand his personality and how you can help him and support him. 
With every improvement, appreciate him and also let him know what you feel that he can do to improve on it. 
I won't tell you how long it would take but one thing I know is that if you and your husband work together and seek the face of God concerning this, you shall surely overcome this challenge. 


  1. Again, this is bullshit Amara. Do you even understand d way a homosexual is wired. All those grabbing testicle nd baptising him with breast is a major turn off for him. Imagine how u would feel if a fellow woman grabs ur breast and tries to kiss you, that's exactly how he will feel if you do that. Not because he sees you as the same sex as he is, but because psychologically, he is incapable of having sexual desires for a female. Here is my advice to you madam poster, if you believe in God, then start praying, pray because it is only God that can help your situation, ur breast and vagina cannot do it. If you dnt hav strength to pray, den nne, truth is you hav to walk outta dat marriage. It was based on deceit from the day one so it was never a marriage, call out that his sister that introduced both of you, if she were in ur shoes would she stay. How dare them think you they can beg you into mortgaging your future and happiness to protect their dirty secret. How long do you think you can possibly live the lie and deciet, 10 yrs, 20 maybe? My dear, u deserve to be happy and sexually satisfied in marriage, that is one of the reasons we even bother with it. Your child is better off psychologically if u can find the strength to pick up the pieces of ur life now that you are young and walk out.

    You made two mistakes tho, how can you meet a man and six months later u r married to him? Some people say it's not abt how long but my dear e follow! Dating a man for a sufficient amount of time gives you the room to find out things for urself.

    2ndly, when you found out he was gay, what were you thinking by going ahead wit the wedding? That you hav divine power that will suddenly change a gay man to a pussy lover overnight! Mba nu nne, pple dnt change like dat. It's sad there is a child in d marriage now but that is not enough reason to mortgage ur life nd hav sex only once in two years when he wants to hav Anoda baby, which I must point out is his own selfish scheme to keep his secret. Babe, he dnt love you or care abt u! Wake up!

    1. Ada, you said the correct thing joor. You can't transform his sexuality by seducing him. Poster, it won't be you fault if you file for divorce. The marriage was based on deceit. You can as well amend everything on your knees but it won't be that easy oo.

    2. great advice here..prayer is the only way

  2. Mennnnhnnn, that is quite harsh but definitely the truth. Remember it is bitter( d truth I mean). Hmmmh, its well. @poster God's grace.

  3. Dear poster, Amara has sense, she doesn't want to open her mouth to tell u d honest truth abt ur situation but I will do dat. Here, the link below is a similar story where Amara was advising someone in a similar situation on what to do. She spoke the truth here:

    So read her advice on both cases den think well nd make ur decision. You are a strong, young woman, dnt allow the fear of the unknown rub you of the joy u deserve today.

  4. I don't really comment on posts, I read, learn and move on. Your case is a sensitive issue. Ada is right, some gays cannot have an erection by looking Some are bi, those ones can sleep with both sexes. A real gay man cannot get up with a woman nomatter how pretty she is. I think your husband is gay, how can a young man live with a young pretty lady & be unable to touch her 4 almost 2yrs? You are really ignorant, the best thing I suggest you do is to call a family meeting and let the camel out of the bag. You cannot continue my dear, in the Bible, there are legitimate reason to seek for a divorce, your case over qualifies. I know it will be difficult initially but with time, you will comprehend that you did yourself a huge favor.
    You have to kind of toughen up, begin to ignore the tears your hubby sheds as it will not serve any purpose to you.
    Like Ada said, the earlier you leave, the better chance you have of finding a true love, like I said, it will be scary at first but daer, you will be fine.
    We women are strong.
    Good luck dear.


Designed by Tunde Sanusi (Tuham)