Tuesday, February 16, 2016

How Do I Make This Marriage Work?

They say love is sacrifice and that you can't get it all in marriage.... I married at an early stage of life, 21 precisely which might not be too young but emotionally I was still immature. Ours wasn't a case of love but we had great understanding and we mingled and being much older than me he said it's marriage not relationship..
He lives outside the country where he runs a family business, I was a scholar then, after two years of marriage he stayed abroad for five years stretch (paper challenge). I waited patiently cos of our daughter despite my family's pressure to move on...
Today he is back but with a lot of marital challenges ..

1. Emotions: It was like starting all over again, my taste and choice of past seven years changed cos I became more mature... We felt like strangers but I believed it was the long distance and believed it will grow back ...
Sometimes it's like I have to beg my hubby to notice my existence and make me happy like a woman, am a very beautiful young lady with a lot of admiration from both male and female and am very psychedelic

2. Sexually: Because I was already off sex for five years, I was already used to no sex but his sexual appetite is now so poor .. He lasts like highest three minutes and cums ;(with the greatest challenge watery sperm and quick ejaculation) ...
I have begged lets go see a Dr but he keeps assuring me that he will be fine that he is EXTREMELY STRESSED...

3. Financially:  Just below average but I believe when I get a job hopefully soon that one will be tackled .

4. Extended family: He is so so so attached to his family that we come as secondary often , sometimes our family plans or decisions are highly influenced by either his parents or siblings ...

I don't want look outside at all, I want to rebuild my Marriage ... I want my kids from one man , am too young to be sexually starved or tormented.... Am so willing to make it work despite the emotional agony.
I have done a lot of talking and counseling that it seems am even gradually becoming a nag, very soon he is leaving the country(and I can't travel with him cos he is not very settled himself over there).
My benefit in this union is 2/10 of my sacrifice.... Am from a civil servant family with a lot of values and norms, my family are not happy at all with my marriage that they have tried everything to pull me out (I am just traditionally married ) and my parents sees it as an edge for easier separation ... Am not confused , I know what I want and that's to make this work out well .....Please advice me on how to make this work .
I don't know if I want this publicly posted as my friends might see through but for the sake of other people in this kind of challenge though... Thanks.

I am glad that you believe that your marriage can be better than it has been in the past and I pray that God will give you the grace and wisdom to manage these temporary challenges with maturity so that you can enjoy your marriage. 
The stress of long distance marriage is that it puts so much pressure on the partners that even when they meet with each other, it seems as though they're strangers in their own eyes. You have so many questions, doubts, worries and concerns about his or her personality. You want to believe that he has been faithful to you but then again you are not so sure. I mean does it mean that he never had sex with a white lady or he didn't kiss someone casually? 
These alone has a way to make you feel that you made a wrong decision by getting married to him. This is your emotions feeding you with negative feedback but you have the ability to suppress your emotions and embrace your husband especially if there was a mutual communication, commitment and trust in your marriage. Your taste may not have changed but his attitude towards you may have registered a negative information in your mind which is what you are battling with. 

What do you do? Resume dating and courtship with your husband. What you knew of him seven years ago is quite different from who he is today. Find out more about his personality and how his travelling may have affected his attitude towards you and your family. Listen more, communicate more and make little or no assumptions. Open up to him and let him know what you crave for and yearn for whenever you are with him. Do not allow worries to separate you from your husband but embrace him and remind him that he is still the best man God has blessed you with. 

You didn't indicate his age group but one of the things that you must have in mind when it comes to sex is that men age with grace when it comes to sex. A man of 30 may fire for ten minutes and still be willing to go for a fourth round of sex but for a man of 45 or 50, he may only be able to go for two rounds of three to five minutes. This is where you need to work things out on your bed and in your kitchen. This is because what a man consumes, the state of his mind, the state of his body, and the state of his pocket directly has an impact on his sexual performance and his manhood capacity to give you maximum pleasure. 
So let's work on the kitchen first, cut down on fries and the consumption of fatty food and go for vegetables, and non fatty foods. Add fresh spices like garlic, ginger, moringa and other fresh spices that contains minerals and vitamins. If he can consume them fresh and clean, it's more preferred. 
Learn to appreciate him, celebrate him and remind him of how much you love him and is willing to support him. Most times when you remind him of his inadequacy and inability, it dampens a man psychologically and in return will make him not to perform as much as he would have. Something like, honey you drive me crazy with the way you treat me or make me feel loved has a better emotional benefits than reminding him of his weaknesses. 
Spend more time in foreplay with him, massage his ego, massage his chest and thigh and caress his testicles and the rod of his pride. Let him know that you cherish him and wake the man in him. If he can last up to three minutes in one round, with a positive work out, he can last for an extra five minutes with you as long as he's not so much stressed or worried about anything else. 

Again, you cannot detect a watery sperm by mere looking at the sperm. Sperm naturally is like a pap that has not been mixed up with hot water while semen is the water that mixes with the pap to form the colloidal mixture called sperm. When you add more hot water to the pap, it becomes watery pap but it doesn't mean that his sperm is not viable, it could be that there was excess of semen to sperm which made it look watery but unlike the pap, you cannot detect this with your naked eyes unless he has gone to the hospital for sperm analysis and for the fact that you have a daughter for him is an evidence that his sperm may not be the challenge here but sexual fulfilment in your marriage. 
You need to be more patient and considerate with him to avoid putting so much pressure on him. Talk about sex with him and make suggestions where it's necessary. Even if you are worried about his sperm quality, your manner of approach and your tone of discussion will greatly help him to consider visiting an urologist for his penis examination. 
But do not give up on your sexual intimacy or wait for him to notice your presence when you can get the ball rolling by woowing the shyness out of his body so that he can realise what he's missing in you. 

While talking to him about his constant relationship with his family and relatives maybe seen as though you hate his family or you have something against his relationship with his relatives, there is need to strike a balance between how he relates with you and his family and perhaps the best person to tell him that would be a counsellor whom he will listen to or respect without any sentiments. So I will suggest that you encourage him to write to me so that I can have a word or two with him and also understand some of the challenges of your marriage and how he hopes to manage them. 

I'm more worried about his intentions to travel again after five years of not being with his family. I have no idea what plans you and your husband have made to help each other meet your sexual, financial and spiritual needs while he's abroad and how long he hopes to stay this time before coming home or before you join him there but maybe it's my own fears, I'm not comfortable with the idea of leaving your partner for business over a long period of time like five years and the likes. It's just not so healthy for couples and it may expose the partners to temptations and frustrations that could have been avoided if they were together. 

This is not the best time to listen to your family, though they may have genuine concerns for your marriage but I feel that your marriage can blossom if you and your husband can work together and tackle your challenges. If he has paid your dowry, he's your husband and God is part of your marriage so focus more on working with your husband. 
Please if he wishes to travel abroad, you need to work things out and agree with him on how long he will be away and the plans he has for you and your daughter to avoid the unnecessary stress and temptations in your marriage. 
Also learn to pray for your husband and your marriage and commit everything in God's care. His grace, wisdom and patience will be your great asset and source of encouragement when you may not be able to influence your husband to make amends. 

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