Monday, May 30, 2016

How do I Deal with Separation Stigma?

Good day to you ma, may the good Lord strengthen you for all your good works. Ma am the lady who wrote to you last week about being married with two kids that my husband brought a lady to our home. Read: How Do I Overcome this Betrayal?
Someone said he must have been a cheater right from start that maybe I ignored it, there is no way in my life I would condone a cheating partner, never. I have no one to talk or turn to, I can't even go home like you said, he has done so much, hurt me badly in ways I can't even tell people.
Sometimes I wonder how I dragged myself into this mess, am not even the kind of lady brought up to be maltreated. I made a decision but am not sure if it's okay or the best thing to do. After so much deliberation I noticed that I should have taken a walk for a very long time now, so I have decided that I won't leave this house but just for the main time, am supposed to go on training for my new job hopefully June, I will just wait till then and then never come back after the training so I will let my family know it all then, by then I will have the money for my own apartment so I won't have to be with him or my family. Now what am scared of is, I know that once I take a walk I won't be able to turn back, is it okay for me with two kids to stay single with all the stigma attached to divorce mother, how will people treat me?
I really don't know cos most people believe once you are a divorced mother it means you cheated on your husband and he kicked you out. Ma if I push through this decision of mine, will I be able to move on with my life and just focus on my kids without worrying about these things cos I already told my husband that I don't want any relationship with him as husband and wife for the main time and he has been pleading with me since then but I can't trust him again.
Please ma I need your advice.

I thought you would have asked the right questions but you seem to be more concerned about what people who are not in your shoes, who have no idea what you experienced in your marriage, who cannot tell your story is saying about you. 
It was this same thoughts and perception that pushed so many women into their early grave. Many were encouraged never to leave because of their children but painfully they died leaving their children with no mother, no care and no support from others. Many were afraid of being stigmatised but they were not alive to see how they were condemned for not leaving when she died in the hands of an abusive husband. Many were afraid of what the church will say and what the pastor will do, painfully the same pastor buried them and attributed her death to devil's workshop. 
It is way much better to be alive and be stigmatised than to be traumatised to your early grave. It is much better to be alive to be stigmatised than to die of emotional torture, depression and pains of a cheating husband. It is way too lovely to be alive and watch your children grow as a single mother than to be in the grave and leave your children to struggle and suffer for what you could have helped them overcome. 
Madam, before marriage, God gave us life and as long as we are alive, every other issues of life can be resolved including divorce if the person so wishes to return back to his or her previous marriage, but when an individual is dead, every other thing is also dead. 
It is my duty to give you counsel, one that will first preserve your life, help you take your time to decide what you feel is best for you and choose the path to follow, but it's entirely your responsibility to decide on what you feel that you should do or what you feel that you cannot cope with. 
In my previous counsel, what I advocated for where you feel that you cannot cope was for you to separate from your marriage temporarily so that you can involve your families and let them know what is going on in your marriage and intervene. Divorce is the last option after all other avenues have been exhausted and there wasn't any positive result from them. 
I have done my part by suggesting what I feel is the best for you, it's now left for you to decide whether to allow the society suppress you or whether you will decide to look unto God and choose to live for him and fulfil his purpose for your life as an individual, mother and his daughter. 


  1. You are so concerned about what people will think and as such I am getting the impression that you are one of those that looked down on divorced women. You are assuming everyone thinks about divorced women like you, anyway I have news for you people have moved on. I personally believed your husband had always been a cheater maybe you were too loved to put the dots together. Anyway make up your mind what you want to do.

  2. Thank you for that comment. People are so engrossed about what others will say, so much that they suppress their own happiness. God forbid


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