Sunday, June 26, 2016

I Can't Tolerate Him Anymore.

Good morning ma. You are an inspiration i must say. This is my first time of seeking for counsel on social media and I trust I will get an insightful one from you. I have been following for long and I must say I am always thrilled at your response to every question, the wealth of your knowledge on relationship matters is so deep. I pray the Lord increase you more and more, and at the end you finish well in Jesus Name.(**Amen, thanks)
I am a young woman in my mid thirties, am married with four kids(three girls and a boy). I have been married for ten years now but the ten years has been like wandering in the wilderness. My marriage is characterised with abuse(physical, emotional, financial, spiritual), infidelity, total disrespect and no trust.
I have prayed, fasted, worked on myself and implemented most of the tips I read here on your blog and other relationship blogs but to no avail. I have sought the face of God to know His mind concerning my marriage, but He seems silent.
My hubby is so immature and violent. When we first got married, we were staying in his daddy’s house(though both parent are late) but his siblings were all with us. During this period, he would beat me, humiliate me in the presence of his younger ones, he created an enmity and discord between me and his people.
He is the kind of man that sits with people and analyse his wife. He leaves home without telling me where he is going and if he is not coming home, he doesn't call to inform me and if I do, he will not pick his calls. And if I try to ask him when he returns, he will end up beating me.
Eventually we left the family house and I thought the siege is over because of the influence of his people on our marriage. Though there were little changes but the infidelity and abuse got worse. I sought for help with a Government agency and I was given a shelter with my kids. He called and started begging and sent people to plead with me, I maintained that he signed an undertaken and be put on Anger Management session before I could go back. He adhered to do this.
With so much pleading and promises I returned back home after two weeks at the shelter with my kids, because they had exams to write then. They didn't get him to sign the undertaken before we returned but started the anger management session with the Psychotherapist.
From the assessment, the psychotherapist told me it's really a problem getting him to own up, cause he sees beating me as a way of correction and nothing wrong, and wants to see his mother in me. Truly every time we fight, he boasts about how his father beats his wives(because the man had about twenty two wives)and his mum was the favourite of them all(his mum was like the seventh and was married with four children before she married his dad).
To cut my story short, he had two sessions with the Psychotherapists and stopped. He doesn't pick the Psychotherapist's call again and I have pleaded with him to continue but he said no. I asked the psychotherapists if there was any disagreement between them and they seemed not to understand him.
He confessed to me about two affairs he had and promised that he had nothing to do with the girls again and he told the psychotherapists too. But on the day he confessed to me, I saw his calls to one of the girls (this particular girl stays just about three houses away from where we were staying before) and series of calls afterwards and airtime sent to the particular girl on several occasion.
I was pained because I cannot count how many time he beats me because of this girl when I discovered that they were having an affair. He is the kind of man that is so rooted in adultery. I tried to grow thick skin and focus on my kids and God. Aunty I tried to make him happy and tried to avoid anything that will make him nag, but he is so hard to please. I have no house help and I work, he doesn't help to do anything around the house.
Each time we have a disagreement, he will seize my phones and my goods for days. He has torn my products on countless occasions. He nags a lot and look for every excuse to beat his children. He is a kind of man that plays with kids outside but not with his own children. He goes out of his way to help people outside but I will have to plead and plead before he gives me money. He doesn't give me money for upkeep but he buys whatever he thinks we may need in the house including pepper and foodstuff and beverages. He doesn't give any support to my goals and my business.
Aunty I must admit that I can no longer tolerate him again because the more effort I put into making our marriage work, the more he hurts me. He is easily manipulated and have no regard for anyone except you are his benefactor. I keep hearing a voice that ‘I want to bless you, but you are wrongly positioned’. I have made up my mind to leave as soon as my kids finish this session in school.
For almost ten years that I have been with this man, I cannot say this is what he has added to me except for childbearing, I have reduced in my values, and also my commitment to the things of God. Aunty I look forward to your wise counsel and I know God will use you to speak to me. Thank you and stay blessed ma.

The real challenge is that you married a man who doesn't share the same values and virtues with you, and what you are experiencing in your marriage is actually a product of his father's influence in his life. 
And if he doesn't see anything wrong with what he does, it then means that you either learn ways to manage such (though a very horrible attitude) or renegotiate your marriage with him. 
He doesn't really know what adultery is all about because his father married twenty two wives, so for him it's normal to have many concubines outside his wife. He doesn't see physical abuse as a problem or anything to frown at because his father beat his wives at will, and he felt that was how wives ought to be corrected whenever they make mistakes. 
He doesn't understand what marriage is all about because for him giving birth to children is all he need in a lady. 
So no matter what you say or do, he may likely not comply or agree with your suggestions. I mean how will he follow the suggestion of a common woman when his father was beating them at will?
Please when you notice that your husband abuses you emotionally, psychologically, mentally and physically, do not continue to pray and fast hoping that he will change because you may not be alive to tell the story. 
For every abusive marriage, the golden rule is separate from him and then renegotiate, seek for reconciliation and any other ways to address the issues in your marriage. You need to be alive for you to enjoy the beauty of your marriage and you also need to be alive for you to give your best to your children. 
So please stop torturing yourself in the name of marriage so that you can at least have the peace of mind to take care of your children. 
The steps you took were great but when he failed to follow up with the rehabilitation therapy, the purpose was defeated. Maybe separating from him will help both of you work out ways to make your marriage work and there must be an undertaken written and signed by him, that is if both of you still wish to give your marriage a chance. 
He needs to go for psychoanalytic rehabilitation, this will help him understand that his father's ways and pattern of relating to his wives is not acceptable and healthy for your marriage.
But when he refuses to consider options of rehabilitation, you may need to decide whether to continue with him or move on with your life. 


  1. Please u need a break in that marriage, it's unhealthy for ur son too so he won't think that how women are to be treated,the earlier u break that gene the beta,u have a lot to do for ur children that marriage isn't a good one to raise ur children

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