Wednesday, June 22, 2016

He's Calling Off the Marriage!

Good morning ma please I need your advice. I am a 29 years old lady, have been married for almost nine years now with two kids. My problem is my husband's attitude, he gets angry easily and sometimes over nothing, reads meaning into everything, difficult to please and worst of it all very perfect in verbal abuse and keeping malice.
Ma, I am the kind of person that takes life easy and simple, but he says he hates that, and I have this flaw of getting so emotional when am verbally abused, it hurts me so much, my sister and friend has always advised me to always overlook it but I just don't know how to do that.
Well this time around he said it is over between us, he doesn't talk to me, that the only reason he still eats my food is because it's his money.
This one happened like this, my mum died and it really broke me down that I could not go to church for two Sundays, we went to church on the third one and people came to console me.
After mass we left, on arriving home he said I should check his break light to see if all of them are functioning, meanwhile Korede bello's song was playing in the car, I got down dancing to the music imitating Korede and my husband shouted at me raining abusive words on me.
I stopped immediately and apologised after that he got down from the car and continued but the one that got to me is that am very stupid I responded that am not stupid, he said if am not then I'm saying he is, I replied that I didn't say so.
That was how it started off and he is no longer talking to me, the next day the same. I tried to play with him after he didn't respond to the previous ones the day before, he hit me very hard that I started shedding tears immediately asking him if it's because of this that he has to hit me like this.
His response made lose my appetite cos it was happening on the dinning table where we were taking breakfast. Ma I got so upset that I left the table and he said I was shedding crocodile tears, that I know I can't warm the custard and I helped him to finish his sentence by saying that it is his money and the exchange rate is high and by throwing it away I would thereby waste his money
It got to him the way he doesn't like and a bigger quarrel started. He came back from work and I respected myself by staying away from him, slept in the children's room but he came there by 4am to start shouting and raining curses on me. I told him the day he would stop that we will never have problems again and that landed a hot slap on me and I have to drop my 1 year old baby that he woke up with his shouting and push him off my side, he fell to the wall thereby injuring his hand since then hell has let lose and he said he is calling off the marriage, ma at this point I agreed with him but my kids are my concern
I don't work and we are not in Nigeria, how do I manage this? Note: I have always been the one begging if there is anything wrong, he has never said sorry to me no matter what, but this time I have decided to go ahead with him however he wants it, if he could do this in my mourning period, then what wouldn't he do
Criticise me where am wrong but please advise me on how to cope with this, thanks a lot.

You are in an unhealthy marriage and whether both of you wish to continue with the marriage or not, there's a serious need for both of you to seek for counselling and intervention from your families to avoid loss of life. 
The attitude of your husband is not what you should continue to tolerate or condone because it has the potential to push you into doing something that may be tragic or irreparable. 
When your life and health is under threat as a result of varying forms of  physical, mental or emotional abuse, you need to seek for help as a matter of necessity so that your husband can undergo some form of therapy that will help him understand his emotions and learn how to manage them. 
I don't know how both of you communicate currently but there is every need for both of you to have a session with a counsellor who will have a heart to heart discussion with you and your husband and seek for ways to resolve this challenge and work together as couple. 
Where this is impossible, you can always press for the custody of the children because of their age and then return home if you can't afford to get an apartment over there. But what you shouldn't entertain is to continue living with him simply because you're not working and you feel that you cannot succeed without him. 
You need to think of ways to equip yourself and start up something irrespective of the outcome of your marriage. You need to think out of the box and prepare yourself for the sake of your children.
The court won't grant custody of your children to him at their tender age and please do not condone abuse and emotional torture in the name of marriage.
Even if it means pleading with your family to support you to enable you stay off from him for some time so that both of you can reconsider your marriage and decide whether both of you still wish to continue with the marriage or to go your separate ways.
I strongly doubt if your husband will be humble enough to seek for counselling but you have no excuse not to protect yourself from an abusive marriage and be alive to take care of your children.


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  2. Madam Amara, a huge thanks to you for providing this platform. I learn a lot from these stories, your response and people's comments. May God bless you, help those who need help, and help me to get it right.


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