Monday, August 29, 2016

I Feel Betrayed that I Am His Second Option.

Good day ma.
I am an ardent follower of your page and I must confess that I have been richly blessed by your wisdom-laden posts .
Please I humbly plead for your motherly advice.
I am 24 years, a fresh Law graduate, awaiting to proceed to Law school by October.

My story goes this way: I was dating my boyfriend( he is 34 and single. We are from the same town ) for some months, when all of a sudden, he declined taking my calls and on each occasion, he usually called back to apologise on the grounds that he was busy. I made him understand that no matter how busy he was, he ought to have my time if he truly loved me.
I suspected he was seeing another girl so I stopped calling. At a point, we stopped talking for some months till around June, he chatted me up, tried to put the blame on me so I insulted him.

I graduated around July. Since then, he has been on my nerves. He even went to my family house to enquire if we are related and if he could marry me. He met my mum at home that day, my mum replied him in the affirmative that we can marry. I found out when my mum called me to come home and told me of his visit. I was shocked.
Please note also that we are family friends, his late father and my dad were very good friends from their youth days till the demise of his father.
My parents then told me that his family are good people. They hinted that I should cautiously know more about him.

I then decided to give him a second chance. We went out for a date one evening, he knelt down in public and begged me to forgive him and give him a chance for us to make things work out.
I honestly accepted him.
Since then, (about three weeks) we have been going out.
Our families worship in the same church but he changed to House on the Rock, and has been inviting me. He invited me to his house over the weekend and I went.

To cut the long story, this morning , I was going through his phone and stumbled on some screen grabbed chats in his phone.
The contents of the chat was between two sisters(his girlfriend and her sister ). In a nutshell, I deduced from the chats that his girlfriend then was telling her sister that this guy has asked him to marry him, that she doesn't really like him but she accepted because her other two boyfriends aren't ready.

This chat was dated May 2016.
From the evidence in the chat, it means that he wanted to marry the girl but it didn't work out perhaps because he saw the chat or any other reason.
I felt pained not because of the chat but because of the date of the chat.
It meant that he was double dating me and the girl, and chose her over me. I was a second option.

I showed him the chat, at first he said it was in the past but when I pointed out the facts deduced from the date and the chat, he then apologised. Saying he was very sorry. He claimed that girls have caused him a lot of heartbreak that he doesn't trust girls anymore. He added that he can only trust a girl when he gets married to her.

I told him that his principle was very wrong. I explained that marriage isn't easy too. I told him to raise his standards till he finds a girl that meets his standards.

I told him that I felt betrayed that I was his second option, he said he was sorry and that he wouldn't blame me for any decision I take regarding this.
I have gone back to school cos I am still processing my clearance.
He has been calling and begging me.
Please what should I do?
Should I forgive him and go back to him?

I needed no further evidence to believe that you are a sound law graduate. I am hopeful that the legal profession in Nigeria will experience great transformation in no distant future. 
From the evidence contained in your mail, one can only infer that he's not necessarily in love with you but resorted to you when other options failed. 
First, he stopped communicating with you, next he had many excuses for his actions, then he rushed to your family to create an impression perhaps when he realised that he was dating a lady who never loved him, and finally he knelt down in the public to ask for forgiveness. 
Truth is, some values are lacking in his personality, he double dates, and we cannot verify whether you're the only lady in his life. He is not honest and emotionally aware of what he wants, seems like his last hope crashed and he held unto his family friend. 
Thirdly we can't necessarily ascertain whether he genuinely loves you or he's only allowing the influence of his age to affect his decision on who to marry. 
We don't know the status of the other relationship with the first lady, whether she has returned his ring or whether they've terminated the relationship or not. 
These information will help you to decide whether to continue with him or to bid him goodbye. 
I will suggest that you cross-examine him, and find out all that happened when there was limited communication, find out the status of the relationship, the duration of the relationship and why he didn't settle for her. 
Then find out why he decided to consider you, find out if he genuinely loves you, and is willing to give his all to make the relationship worthwhile. 
On your own part, you need to ask yourself some vital questions about his personality and the relationship. Do you really love him? Does he have all the virtues and qualities that you desire in your husband? Are you willing to forgive him wholeheartedly and accept his imperfect perfections so that both of you can build your relationship? 
Do you have peace of mind dating him or are you dating him because you don't want to lose him? 
If at the end of the day you're convinced that he's what you desire, please decide from the depth of your heart to forgive him, and give him another opportunity to work on your relationship. 
Sometimes God may use painful circumstances of life to perfect his purpose in the life of an individual. We may not have a better understanding of what happened but we can allow him to perfect that which he has already promised by allowing him to guide our footsteps in situations where our strength and motivation is weak and feeble. 
Nobody wishes to settle for less, but if he's the one God has prepared for you, even if he dates all the ladies in the world, he will definitely return back to you. 
So do not lose hope, get into the root of your concerns, and decide what best for you at this point in your life.


  1. Lady Amara you spoke like a lawyer. The guy has to be cross examined to ascertain the rational behind his action.

  2. Aunt Amy, I really love ur choice of words. The words amaze me. Thank u. To my young lady, the writer, u are good. U are a reflection of the reason why schooling is important. Keep it up. Kindly adhere to aunt Amy had said. Best of luck for you.

  3. "I told him that his principle was very wrong. I explained that marriage isn't easy too. I told him to raise his standards till he finds a girl that meets his standards". Others would start screaming and breaking things or even slap the man


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