Saturday, August 27, 2016

I Feel Helpless and Under Pressure to Bring a Man Home.

Good day ma. I have read so many of your counsels, you're doing a great job ma. May God continue to give you divine wisdom. Please ma, I need your advice and I will be so grateful if you respond. I'm 28 years old lady. Sorry for writing much story, I want to say what is on my mind. Thanks. 
When I was in the university, I met a guy(I would name A, for clarification) who was schooling in another university, I thought he was interested in me, he will call and we will talk for like thirty
minutes on phone, so I thought he was interested in me. During that time, I met another guy(I would name B) that I would have considered, but because of the way the guy family approached me and said they do me favour in connecting me to this guy, really made my mother annoyed, and my mum said I should not mind them. 
With that I closed B's chapter, with the mind that after all I'm still with the other A, though the guy never asked me out, but I assumed with the way A calls. Sometimes he will tell me he wanted to sing for me, so with this, I have already fallen for him, not knowing that he was just playing. 
When I asked him about how he feels about me, he said "nothing, that we are just friends", that really pained me. So later this very person A, connected me to his friend, with what he did, i was not able to flow with his friend, in fact I rated them as the same thing, birds of the same feathers, though A's friend will call and call, my mind was not with him, even he travelled from far place to meet me, still my heart was not opened to him. 
Late last year, my uncle connected me with a guy, though at first I had a measure of interest in him and I thank God that at last, but as i'm starting to know him, I was not happy, for example, I told him to add me up on Facebook, he declined, so I sent him a friend request, he did not accept me. I asked why, because he was supposed to be the one to send friend request, not me, but I still took the initiative, he said he opened the Facebook account when he was in Kano during NYSC to connect people at home. Before and after that, he came and liked two of my pictures. 
That really annoyed me plus the fact that I jokingly told him that he has not even told me that I'm beautiful, he said must someone tell me that before I know I'm beautiful, even one time he raised his voice at me, yet I still called him back and asked him if we can meet to talk, he said it is not necessary, he said he doesn't think he have time to come to me but if I can come to meet him. 
I don't know if he truly loves me, but my parents really likes him, they even said if it's possible to force him on me, they would, but they said they cannot. The way he does things make me to remember A's friend I mentioned earlier, I feel like going back to him, because he showed he really liked me then, even recently he chatted with in a caring and loving way, but I was blind then, but unfortunately he has someone already because he used a girl's picture as his display picture. 
I feel guilty about my mistake, sometimes I cry, I feel helpless, with pressure on me to bring someone home and I myself also yearn for it. I don't know what to do.




I had to confirm your age again before sharing my thoughts on this with you, you really didn't sound like your age but like a little beautiful baby girl who is still attached to mummy and daddy, and is constantly looking up to them for chocolate, ice cream and candy. Well I feel that if you wish to get the best in your relationship, you need to take the responsibility for your decisions and choices for your relationship. 
You loved A but he was only an admirer, granted that A was somewhat deceptive and manipulative, allowing your mother to detect whether A's friend was good or not wasn't a good decision for yourself because you portrayed yourself as being ignorant of what you needed at that point in your life. You could have allowed him to prove his point before writing him off. 
And you know what I think about this second 'military' boyfriend? He's simply not your friend, certainly not your companion, and even if you eventually marry him, you will constantly need to worship, adore and serve him for the rest of your life. 
You may be worried about why I said that, it's actually because this particular man feels that he's doing you a great favour by dating you, and since you were recommended to him by your uncle, he perhaps feel that you couldn't attract a man for yourself, and they had to refer you to him. No efforts, no commitment, no communication, no sincerity, no companionship, no appreciation, and no friendship, and you're asking me if he loves you? No he doesn't. 
If your family loves him so much that they wish to impose him on you, please refuse to be a dumping site for your family's personal interest. They may have all the good reasons for liking him, but you're the only one who will live with your husband, the only one who knows the characteristics and the personality that you desire in your husband, and the only one who knows what you can cope with, and what you can't endure for the rest of your life. If this man, with all the good qualities that your uncle saw in him and your family fell in love with him, doesn't have those attributes and qualities that you desire in your husband, please do not gamble with your life because marriage is too far a journey to venture into with a wrong driver. 
Being ripe for marriage doesn't mean that you should settle for less. You need to stop feeling guilty or regretful of your decision rather you need to learn from your mistakes of your past, make amends today and forge ahead with your life. There's no harm in asking A's friend indirectly if he's already in a relationship and moving on with your life if he's truly in a relationship. But you need to wake up and make your own decisions and choices for yourself. You need to stop depending on your family or anyone else to make choices that will affect your life and destiny in the future. Marriage is not your parents journey, it's your own journey so please make sure that you go for what you are comfortable with, and not what anyone else feels is good for you.

5 comments:

  1. My heart bleed for some of we girls, the way we handle situations because of our parents. I really thank God for aunty Amara, I always read her advice and apply in similar situation, may God continue to bless you MA

    ReplyDelete
  2. My heart bleed for some of we girls, the way we handle situations because of our parents. I really thank God for aunty Amara, I always read her advice and apply in similar situation, may God continue to bless you MA

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anty Amara, your reward in heaven is so magnificent. You are more than a solution provider. God bless you for me. Amen

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anty Amara, your reward in heaven is so magnificent. You are more than a solution provider. God bless you for me. Amen

    ReplyDelete

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