Thursday, August 4, 2016

I'm Having a Change of Mind Because am Tired of Marriage.

Good evening Mrs Amara Van Lare, how is your weekend going? hope it's splendid, please I have this marriage challenge that am facing, I need your advice.
My husband owns a guest house in Lagos state and on Fridays they usually have night club, yesterday night his friends came around to the place and I was there too. His friend called me and asked me what we have, I told him and he requested for a catfish pepper soup, but before he placed the order he said he wanted to see the size of the fish.

So I and the waitress with the guy went to see the fish, on getting back to the club house my husband saw us but didn't utter a word, when I left the place to my house which is the next building to the guest house, my husband just walked inside and started accusing me of having an affair with his friend( the guy that requested for the fish), his friend is married with two kids.
He started beating me, calling me a prostitute, and all sorts of abusive names. I couldn't control myself, I retaliated back and on that process I had to invite the guy he was accusing me of, and the guy was so mad at such insolent attitude, the guy went out to invite some area boys for them to fight my husband. I had to stop them from carrying out their mission, I and the guy with two of his friends started deliberating on the issue and at the end his friends calmed the situation and the guy vowed never to come to our guest house anymore with his friends, he said that it looks like a set up because that it was my husband that called him on the phone to come for the club. When all these was happening I informed my parents, and they were not happy about it and my mother in law.
Now am having a change of mind because am tired of the marriage, I got married last year December and had a baby boy March this year. Ever since then, I have not got my peace, always in a sad moment, even when I try to please him he will always find a point to raise an issue, and he always tell me that hence am not in good terms with his siblings that I will not have rest. The siblings wants to control me but I refused that, that's why he's angry and my husband always give ear to what the elder sister says, and she's based in America.
Ma please I need your help both in the case of his friend, and that of his siblings, thanks and God bless you.

Sometimes I wonder what some so called church counsellors tell intending couples before they venture into marriage. I'm wondering because your husband seems not to understand what marriage truly entails, nor is he emotionally mature for his duties and responsibilities as the husband and the leader in you home. 
To start with, it's entirely wrong for him to reduce you to a slave that should be controlled and manipulated by his siblings, no matter whatever it is that may be his reasons or fears for doing so. He has only proven that he doesn't understand your role in his life and your rights in his life. 
Secondly, it's not even up to nine months and he's already beating, accusing, and insulting you already? Was he forced into getting married to you or did he get married by accident? I can't really tell what prompted him but he exhibits some characteristic of a man who got married to a stranger and he's struggling day and night to love and accept her as part of his life. 
I really suggest that both of you need to sit down and discuss about your marriage, also it is pertinent to involve a trained marriage counsellor or an elderly man who will talk some sense into his head and help him understand what marriage truly entails and his responsibilities to his wife.
Starting off with suspicion, distrust, physical abuse and anger are indicators that he's not emotionally mature for marriage. 
On your own part, no matter how provoked you may be, no matter how horrible things might turn out in your home, please if you can, avoid retaliating or fighting back. Not because you don't have the right to feel bad or be angry, but because in managing emotional instability, retaliation may trigger violence and something horrible in your marriage. 
Instead of challenging him or retaliating, I will suggest that you run for safety and save your head first before resolving whatever may have lead to the disagreement. Also, please minimise or avoid discussing your marital challenges with his friends, it's never in his best interest nor is it in your own favour. Granted that you were not happy or stable at that point, discussing your husband with his friends wasn't the best thing to do at that point. 
Thankfully you were able to prevent them from harming your husband. I feel that it's time for you and your husband to sit down and address the issues that lead him to overreact and become abusive to you. 
As regards his siblings, please do not allow anyone to intimidate or push you to the wall. Don't allow anyone to manipulate or control you, if your husband cannot protect you and present you as his wife to others, please guard your movements, communications and discussions, and limit your discussion to greetings and courtesies. 
As regards his friends, please refrain from attending to them, and also refrain from serving the customers, let your waitress do that while you supervise everything. Since your husband has jealousy and insecurity tendencies, it's advisable for you to avoid anything that will push him into doing something stupid and regrettable. 
He needs to meet a counsellor, I don't know if he will be comfortable with talking to me, whatever be the case, he needs counselling because he's building his home on a wrong foundation and if he doesn't retrace his footsteps, he may end up destroying your marriage.
One of your greatest weapons that will help your husband succeed in life and also become a man who will love, respect and protect your interest is prayers. You need to realise that your husband needs so much prayers and support for him to grow into the kind of man that you will celebrate for the rest of your life. 
I know that you never anticipated this but I will encourage you not to quit your marriage but see this as an opportunity for both of you to work extensively and effectively on your shortcomings and weaknesses so that both of you can enjoy the beauty of your marriage.

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