Thursday, August 18, 2016

What Are the Damages a Broken Home Have on a Child?

Ma, I need your advice and that of your esteemed fans. Notwithstanding, I commend you for your selfless service rendered towards proffering answers to the problems of others.
I met a girl on Facebook earlier this year (2016), she's 22 years old undergraduate, while am 31. We started chatting, and after a protracted days of intermittent chats we agreed to interchange our phone numbers, and that brought us to become closer.

As time progressed, we achieved certain amount of trust and confidence in each other, and as a matter of fact I decided to give her my interest/attention.
Though we are yet to meet due to distant location as it applies to our places of residence, but through our conversations on phone I have been able to derive some information about her and her family.
She told me that her father once had a problem with her mother and they were separated, a situation that made her and her siblings to have their childhood period and upbringing in their maternal home until after periods of time when her father came back and reconciled with her mother.
As a result of being raised in her maternal home, she inherited her surname from that family (instead of the opposite being the case), and she obstinately and vehemently chose to stick to that as her surname until she gets married according to her. When I stressed to know the reason behind such obstinate and rebellious attitude against one's father or family, she told me that their father has neglected them for so long and even after he reconciled with their mother, they still quarrel on intervals of time.
I also enquired from her about who is sponsoring her education, she told me that her education is chiefly sponsored by her mother and her mother's brother, that her father gives her support only when he feels comfortable to do so because he's based in abroad.
Being bemused, I asked her where her marriage rite will be performed assuming she wants to get married any time, but she revengefully insisted that is going to be in her maternal home (contrary to Igbo tradition where the bride prize of the mother was duly paid by the father). Meanwhile, she told me that her father is from Delta state while her mother is from Imo state.
Ma, the truth is that I have grown interest in this girl, and am anticipating to engage her in a serious relationship that might result to marriage, but my questions here are:
1. What are the extent of emotional, psychological and social damages a broken home can cause on a child, and what are its negative effects on the over-all behaviour of such an individual in relation to his/her marrital life?
2. What would be the traditional, legal, and spiritual implication of her marriage rite being performed at her maternal home and possibily her bride prize paid to an illegitimate person, and what shall I do to arrest such situation assuming I'm the right man made for her?
3. Lastly, is social media a healthy and reasonable platform to meet a life partner?
Thanks for your time.

Every individual have their own peculiar story to tell and every family have their own challenges no matter how beautiful or lovely they look outside. 
Our duty is not to judge them but to appreciate their resilience in spite of the circumstances that threatened the unity and the peace of the family. 
Your mail suggests that you are already being biased and judgemental in your perception of her family, without even trying to understand her pains and share in her journey as an individual. 
If you were not in her shoes, it's inappropriate for you to tag her as being obstinate, revengeful or rebellious, such words are too strong and horrible to tag to a lady who is striving to succeed irrespective of the circumstances surrounding her upbringing. 
Studying philosophy doesn't give you such permission to describe this lady with such a derogatory words, and for the fact that you met her online doesn't make her less of a human being. I hope that you will retrace your steps and make amends to such a slanderous image you have of her personality. 
To start with, she wasn't the one who created the scenario she found herself in, she was only a victim of her parents decision and she's in her own little way working hard to succeed in life. If you truly love her as a person and you genuinely understand what she has been through in life, you won't describe her with such a hurting words. 
Your purpose in her life should be to help her heal from her pains, help her understand that family and marriage can be a lot better than what she experienced in her parent's life. Your goal should be to support her emotionally and psychologically knowing fully well all that life has put her through and not to irrationally criticise her and condemn her personality. 
To your questions. 

1. How individuals respond to the challenges of life differ, to some, they may become bitter and pained, for some, they may become tough and harsh to issues of life, and to some they may choose to let go and strive to bring out the best from their bad experience. So I can't categorically measure her reaction or emotional and psychological damages when I haven't discussed with her or spent quality time with her to understand her journey. I suggest that you encourage her to write to me here so that I can have a word or two with her. 

2. Her decision or perception is not final but based on the pains and the struggles of trying to forgive her father and accept him as part of her life. Definitely her dowry will be paid in her father's house and nothing will stop that when the time is due. 

3. What matters most is not where you met with your partner but who you met. You can meet a prostitute in the church and meet an angel in the bar. Millions of individuals have met their partners online and you won't be the last person to meet a lady online. 
But please make out time to meet up with her so that you can relate to her physical appearance and find out whether she has the kind of package that you desire in your partner. 

I will suggest that you spend quality time with her, don't have a biased mindset about her perception, her pains and her worries. Be a good listener and be a better description of a man to her. Let her see love through your heart, let your words heal her wounds and not inflict pains and psychological trauma to her. 
Appreciate her for rising above her pains irrespective of the circumstances surrounding her upbringing, and assure her that she can heal by forgiving than by being bitter. 
Your goal is not to fix her family so quit judging or defending anyone, your goal should be to help her grow beyond her past so that she can get the best of love and marriage. 
Celebrate her and support her in your own little way, that is if you genuinely love her and not just there to wash her down. Pray for her and be patient with her, sooner or later she will appreciate all your efforts and give you many reasons to testify for believing in her.
Please do not fail to encourage her to write to me, I am pained by the way and manner you described this lady.


  1. They say when two elephant fight it the grass that suffer most,
    When parent divorce for any reason. It the children that suffer the pain most,but it's never their fault to be in such situation.
    On estimate most individual have met from a broken home usually give all their best to make their own marriage work cuz they would never want their kids experience what they've been through .
    It really difficult on them mostly when it decision has involve both parent

  2. Aunty Amara, Thank you for the advice you gave on this, the Lady in question is somehow a replica of me. we're almost on the same boat, but thanks for people like you, who still understand life and its predicaments.

  3. Aunty Amara, Thank you for the advice you gave on this, the Lady in question is somehow a replica of me. we're almost on the same boat, but all thanks to God for people like you, who still understand life and its predicaments.


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