Friday, September 16, 2016

Why Did He Betray Me?

Good evening Ma. Am a reader of your page and I enjoy the manner you advice people with issue.
Am a lady of 30 years old, was dating a guy in his mid 30's. We both attend the same church. I happen to be schooling in Enugu, and when I got there I located my church and saw him there. He actually asked me out on Facebook, then I was away for a long term holiday and I agreed after enough talking. I told him a little about my likes and dislikes because in my past relationship I was not good at expressing my mind.
I always die in silence. They don't give me money. Regular calling is not there. I don't complain because I had money. My parents were attending to my needs. So these guys capitalized on it by not giving me money for hair, transport, allowances etc. All I wanted was real love. But at the end I get betrayed.
So this particular guy I was able to open up to him a little thinking he will be nice. After I agreed to his proposal. We started talking on phone. He calls, and I call also. After a while he was dropping. I didn't complain because he just had a new job and they have not started paying him. I was still at home. My parents don't allow us travel. I was preparing to return from my holiday as am a postgraduate student. He just had a single degree.
After a while I returned to school and we saw ourselves. Before then we have been discussing by phone chatting, sometime we chat till day break. Then he told me his past, that he was into women while he was in the university, but now he has turned a new leaf which I believed. That day we saw, we had sex. As I was going to visit, I bought foodstuff to cook for him because where he works is like a semi village. I got there cooked, washed his cloth.
He introduced me to his colleague as his wife to be. They welcomed me, showed me love. I stayed for three days and left. From there we started seeing ourselves virtually on weekends. He visits me in school or I visits at his work place. Because outside his workplace he stays with his parent in Enugu town.
On Sundays when I attend church, I see his parents and siblings in church. After closing I will go to their house. They welcome me and treat me well. But he didn't introduce me to them. It was later they started sensing we were dating because of my regular coming to their house. Even some of our church member started noticing us. They love my company because I was nice to them.
I started planning life with him. He doesn't give me money even when they started paying him. When I visit, he doesn't give me transport. Sometimes when things are rough, I normally assist him with the little money that I can afford. When he receives his salary, I suggested that he join contribution in his workplace, which he did. Anytime I am on holiday, I always look for a way to visit him in Enugu because he told me he love sex a lot. I tried my best to be close to him so he won't be tempted.
After one year of our relationship, I was at home on holiday, we were chatting one day and I asked him how he was doing. He said he is not fine. I asked why, he said I need to come so we can discuss. I told him that it was not long I visited, and he knows the situation of my family, but he insisted I come. I begged him to tell me what the issue was but he refused. I was disturbed, after some days I forced him and he told me he slept with a girl from his town and she is pregnant.
Aunty I cried for days, I was calling, asking him why on earth he betrayed our love. He said he was sorry that it was a mistake, that she was the only girl. His cousin invited me over, I came paying my transport to and fro. They begged me to accept, which I foolishly did.
The girl refused to abort the baby. Then my boyfriend was having doubts about the baby, that they only slept once, and I was telling him to go for DNA but he refused. I still continued to love him despite all that happened. His parent got to know of it and they were disappointed. That they wanted him to settle down with me. They asked him if he will marry the girl, he said is me. For a year, I didn't disclose this to my mum.
My mum got to know of our relationship. She advised me to be careful. Encouraged me to plan well with him. Even sometimes when I go home, I carry foodstuff from my family house to give him, like plantain, and yam. His attitude didn't change, no calling, giving me allowance wasn't there. I was not complaining.
December last year, I went to his house, I told him that I must inform my parent of what has happened because he is planning to come for introduction, which I informed my parents. My mummy was bitter and she told me that I know the implications of marrying a man with child. The torture from the girl, first son's inheritance, and how such has happened to a close relative of ours. My father refused, that it won't work.
I was not happy, my December was not sweet. I told him and he was telling me to convince them to accept him. I saw reasons with my parents, then I started recalling all my sufferings with him. I made him rent a house, loved and cared for him, even when he was not giving me anything, I didn't see it as anything. So he could betray me.
The sisters, friends, and colleagues were calling. At a time I was not picking his calls. When I returned from the festive holiday, I went to church, I saw his parents but they didn't say a word to me. But he was telling me that his parents were saying they needed me, that it's me they know. I should beg my parents. I stopped seeing him.
After a while, the cousin invited me, I foolishly went and we started again. My boyfriend was going to give the girl money without telling me, and the girl used to call him. One day I checked his phone, saw different chats of different girls. Love chat. It was later the cousin told me to ask him, that he has slept with three girls in addition to the pregnant girl which he confirmed.
I was fed up, I don't know what to do. Since two years, I have been cooking with my money for him. He doesn't give me anything. Why should he treat me this bad. Now everybody is calling me to forgive and marry him.
The calling is too much. I feel bad when they call to beg me. He is telling everyone to beg me. I have barred his line so that he won't reach me. I feel bitter when they call and beg me.
I don't want to suffer, and the girl didn't go to high school. He doesn't want to marry her. Please ma advice me. They are saying my parents is the one advising me to leave him.

Let me give you some basic education on relationship. 
That a man asked you out for a relationship is not an automatic marriage proposals. 
For the fact that you are dating a man doesn't mean that he must marry you. 
Even if his family, friends, enemies and colleagues already knows about your relationship, it doesn't mean that you are already his wife. 
Washing his clothes, cooking for him, giving him quality sex, and using your money to sustain and maintain him doesn't give you an edge to his heart. 
Though you may love him or have the desire to marry him, it doesn't mean that you should lose your conscience. 

If after all you have sacrificed and invested in this relationship, he still got another lady pregnant and is currently sleeping with three other ladies, I don't think that he loves you. 
Having sex is not a mistake but a premeditated decision by two consenting adults with the purpose of mutual sexual satisfaction, so the basic truth is that he doesn't appreciate your sacrifices as much as you think. 
I know that deep down you wish to marry him, and if his parents pleads on his behalf you will definitely return back to him, and I will not discourage you from going ahead with him if that is what you wish for. 
But here is my fears and concerns, can you cope with a chronic womaniser for the rest of your life? Can you cope with sexually transmitted infections in your marriage? Will you forgive him for all his escapades? Will you still love, respect and support him even when he abuses your love for him? Will you accept his child and perhaps other external children as yours when he impregnates other ladies with his generous heart? 
Remember, marriage is beyond sentiments, when you find yourself in a horrible marriage, you will realise that it's really more rewarding to remain single than to be with a wrong partner. 
I know that you are advanced in age but that is not enough reason for you to jump into an marriage with a chronic womaniser, but the choice is yours.


  1. its hard to believe ur are 30years old......u shldnt allow a man use u like dis,u dnt serve it,haba! obviously u av a good heart and he took advantage of it.

  2. Sorry,dear. But after building your relationship with sub-standard materials,were you honestly expecting it to stand? Going through your story,you were busy moving from violating one relationship rule to violating another. At times,I wonder what a lot of you church-goers think? Your Bible contains the rules for how relationship should be done God's way,how He designed it to be done. But,you will rather do it your way,get burnt in the process,and wonder why you are not getting the desired results. You cannot get the right results by doing it the wrong way. Have you ever bordered to sit down and learn and understand God's mind concerning relationships and marriage? Have you? I keep getting shocked that you are shocked your relationship turned out this way.
    You met someone in church who demonstrated to you,he does not believe in what the church teaches eventhough he pretends to be one of them,just like you,and you think he will stand by his word? If you want God's results,then learn to do it God's way. It's for your own good,safety and security. Cut your losses now. GO AND LEARN!


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  3. Chai! I noticed any time a lady started giving man her money, the love will no longer be there.

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