Thursday, October 27, 2016

How Should I Handle These Challenges From His Family?

Good afternoon Aunty Amy, may God bless you for being there for us in relationship, marriage and other life related issues. Please ma, pardon me for my long write up.
By God’s grace I will be getting married soon. The man I want to marry is actually my long time boyfriend. Both of us are from the same place. Right from the day we started dating, people including some friends told me not to date the guy, reason because of his mother’s attitudes, that she talks a lot, even some went to the extent of naming her a “witch”.

NOTE: My fiancé is from a polygamous home and with the experience his mother had then in the hand of her fellow wives and her husband, though the other first two wives are late remaining my fiancé’s mother. With that, people said she is the one that killed the second wife, but the first wife died long time ago.
Then, I told my fiancé what I heard, he told me not to mind people’s mouth and that I should be thankful to God that I did not come from a polygamous home. Adding that what her mother’s eyes have seen in his father’s house, that she can't help than for her to talk and raining curses on those accusing her falsely. Said they’ve spoken to her to stop and hand over everything to God.
My fiancé is a man with a good heart. But there's something I heard which her mother said in public referring to me. She said and I quote; “am suffering in training my son now and nobody is seeing it, not when the time comes for me to visit my son they will say am not welcome into my son’s house” . She said this in the presence of my aunt, and so many other people that knew about our relationship were surprised at her words.
Secondly, when she came to Lagos last year when her son just newly rented an apartment, she said so many things in my very presence. She said and I quote again;

1. If my son owns mansion today, I will enter anywhere I like without anybody questioning me.
2. There was this my fiancé's niece, a three years old girl child that came to spend holiday with them. So on one occasion when I was about to bath her, the girl was like misbehaving, then the child’s grandmother which is my fiancé mother said the child can’t live with her parents, that her father is too cool and he (the child’s father) can’t handle the child, that is my fiancé that can handle her. She is indirectly telling me that after I marry her son that the girl is coming to be living with us.
This she kept on repeating the same word over and over again just to get my opinion but I did not utter a word.
3. There was a time I was taking some measurements of rice I want to cook for them, and she was detecting how many cups of rice I will take, but I ignored her and measured my own choice.

Also, the elder brother always sounds it to my ear that he is the one that trained my fiancé in school, he once told me that he does not expect his brother ‘A man of 35years old ’ to marry now, but since he insists he can go ahead.. And there was a time early this year, my fiancé's elder brother’s wife was asking my fiancé to give her money that she want to use it to be running some business. This is a person who is preparing for wedding and whose salary is N70,000 but recently slashed to N50,000 because of the economy crises.

Meanwhile, I was the one accommodating my fiancé and his younger brother when it was not convenient for them to stay in their elder brother’s house again, even providing food when my fiancé has no job then. We all were living together including my younger brother for three years plus before my fiancé finally got his own apartment last year. Their second brother doesn’t care about them, he is married with children. My fiancé is the third son, he is a very good man.  But how will I handle all these challenges from his family?

More so, my fiancé's younger brother is living with him now but planning to go back to school anyway, he is rude and doesn’t have respect for my fiancé. He once abused and tried waging a fight with his brother simply because my fiancé asked him why did he not fetch water at home with a cool voice, he picked offence are started saying why did I not fetch it.

Meanwhile when we were living together before my fiancé rented an apartment, I had a terrible chest pain and I was told to stop carrying bowl on my head in fetching water, which as a result of that I developed chest pain. Then my fiancé asked me never to fetch water again. But sometimes I do fetch.

Though, I only came there because my fiancé asked me to come when I closed from work, that there is something we need to talk about concerning our marriage preparation. When I got there, the little water I met which wasn’t even enough, then I took from neighbor to prepare food.

This boy said something to me which am still finding it difficult to forgive him. He said I did not senior him, this is a person that is of age mate with the person I senior the second times. This boy doesn’t have any regard for anybody except his so called pastor. What makes the boy to say that word is what I do not know till now, because I did not utter a word while the heavy quarrel was going on between him and his brother. It took the intervention of their senior brother that came that night which stopped the boy from fighting his brother.

Please Ma, I need your advice and that of your wonderful fans. My fiancé is just too good and I can’t because of his family wahala quit, not even now we are preparing for our marriage. I love him so much and he too loves me so dearly.
NOTE: My fiancé lives in one room for now but he had a plan to go into self-contain after our marriage. We are the only one sponsoring this marriage without anyone contributing to it.

I'm glad that you're familiar with the terrain that you're getting married into and the kind of family that you're bonding with. Marriage is beyond accepting a man, it also includes accepting his family and giving room for their excesses. 
Your fiancé needs to understand that his first duty is to protect you from his family's attacks and from his vicious and disrespectful siblings. 
He needs to let everyone know that as a married man that there must be some privacy for both of you. There must be areas where only both of you will have the freedom to share your ideas and be free with each other. 
He needs to understand that he cannot be calm with everything that his family does to avoid clash of interest. If possible, both of you should stay alone and build your marriage. When he expands, you may then consider whether to invite guests or not. 
He needs to be firm and focused to avoid allowing them to frustrate your efforts. 
Respect them and avoid any form of altercation with any of them. Forgive everyone and accept them as your family but please do not be too familiar with any of them to avoid embarrassment.
You may need to learn how to manage such family without losing your peace, especially if your fiancé is the type that avoids standing on his ground.
Also commit everything to God in prayers and ask for the wisdom and grace that you need to support your husband in your marriage.

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