Tuesday, June 20, 2017

How Do I Manage Poor Communication in my Marriage?

Good evening Aunty Amara, please help me. I just got married to my husband traditionally, waiting for white wedding in July. My problem with him is poor communication. I know he doesn't talk much being single, I thought nothing was that bad.
Now being married am going crazy, sometimes I just want to tell him I wished to tell him things that will hurt him so bad as it hurts me. I care about him a lot. He is not fast in taking decision like me, he does things when he likes until it gets too late, I try to tell him what to do per time so it's done on time, he argues and said I should just let him be. Try to tell him importance of things, he doesn't want to hear it. Am trying hard to communicate well with him but am being pushed aside. It hurts so bad. He does so many things and doesn't tell me. He calls it surprise. Sometimes I feel I am not even in this marriage self.
When he needs something, I give him all attention and make sure it's done. When I need a single paper from him, he becomes sluggish with it. He put everything forward apart from my needs.
I asked him for money he said he doesn't have but he sent me money for my wedding gown. I asked again, he said later but he paid money to get the wedding gown to me. He does everything why not him give me the money I said I need?
Sometimes he finds it difficult to listen to me. I ask question, it's too much.
Am feeling hurt, am in tears now because church is trying to postpone our wedding. I asked him to tell me what they want, he won't talk. He keep saying he doesn't want to talk about it. Not talking about it does it solve the problem.
I just texted him not to tell me anything about that church anymore. And he shouldn't ask me for anything. I know they need some forms from me, let him go get it himself. We can't have a simple conversation of late without fight. Because to talk about issues, he keeps doing as if he is dumb.  
I just don't want to communicate with him anymore. He gets me so angry these days.  Anger I suppressed he keeps bringing it all back to me. I hate him so much now.
Him being slow with what the church need will lead to the wedding being postponed. 
Tell me what they said so we can resolve it, quickly he said I should leave me alone. I started my counselling two months now. He hasn't even started because he is slow with everything concerning us. He puts other people's need forward loving his own immediate. When he feels like doing those things, he will now come to ask okay what did you say I should do.
I asked him for a form two months ago. He never went to collect it. Now I need it in two weeks time he said he hasn't gotten it oh!
Please how do I manage this.

You may not be comfortable with my opinion on this, but I feel that you really need this to save yourself from an impending danger waiting to happen in future. 
From your mail, you and your husband haven't discovered the rhythm of your communication, and a time will come when you will explode and maybe do something that is strange or stupid to your husband or yourself. 
There is no marriage where there is poor or no communication between couples, and there is no other way to fix this than pausing every marriage plans, and work on managing your communication differences and needs.
While you are worried about wedding preparation glitches, I'm more concerned about your life with this young man after impressing the world that both of you are perfect together. 
I am not suggesting that you leave him, but I am of the opinion that you and your husband need real counseling to prepare him for marriage, and to help you understand him better. 
However, if you feel that you can manage him with his shortcomings, I will then suggest that you make a space in your heart to accommodate him, and learn not to complain about his mode of operation. 
Again, there is a need to inform you that men are not comfortable with being told what to do per time, they perceive it as being treated like a kid. Your role is to use the word 'suggest' in every opinion you wish to share with him, and then give him enough space and time to decide whether your 'suggestion' is the best for him. 
When you give him enough space to be the boss, he will make efforts to draw closer to you and appreciate your opinion. 
But I am strongly suggesting that this marriage be postponed to enable you figure out if this communication level with your husband is healthy for your sanity. 
An unhealthy communication skill amongst couples is a recipe for a catastrophic home, please don't endure it if you cannot cope with it for the rest of your life.

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