Wednesday, July 19, 2017

I See Him as a Big Lair!

Good morning ma'am,
Thank you so much for what you have been doing. The story I want to share goes like this.
I met my fiancé, he got me engaged. He always said...'he couldn't stand a woman who will cheat and all that', I told him same thing that it was a deal breaker for me.
He then asked if I had a forgiving spirit, I said 'yes' and asked the reason behind the question, and he started narrating how his mother was soooo forgiving and he didn't want to end up with someone who will maltreat him for any little thing he did to her. Then...I took it for that.
Little did I know that he asked so that when he goes about doing his rubbish, he'll come back and keep begging for forgiveness (this I felt was clear taking advantage).
He would say things just to make me happy.. Stuffs like, he tells everyone he meets about me and shows them pictures and all that. He never hid his phone. I had the password to the phones, his ATM and all. He would even give me to travel with his cards sometimes (and he made it clear to me that he never deleted stuff from his phone).
I called him one day, sat him down and asked him if he was sure of this relationship coz I'll not have him take me for a ride while following some other girls. And he said he was sure and all that. I took it upon myself to tell him anything I heard anyone say about him in my presence and he kept saying they were lying and all that. I took him for his words.
I recently found out he went and had something to do with one girl who was my senior back in secondary school. I remember him asking if I knew her and I said 'yes but I disliked her right from school and all that', then he said she was his friend. She always called him but I never made mention of anything because I knew she was aware I was his fiancé and she was dating his younger cousin. I remember him say someone was calling him on his birthday and begging him to come and collect cake; I found out she was same person.
Only for me to find out after we got married that he called her some days to the wedding, they hung out and gifted and she sent him some nasty messages. I confronted her and told her never to call that number even if it were for a goodwill message. And I found out some other small small lies he had been telling me.
Right now, I can't even smile with any woman who says a simple 'hi' to me because he has made me feel he rubbished me in front of a lot of people and I feel like he was never even making it clear he had someone and he just wanted girls to keep coming.
He's made me to have sworn enemies for no reason, meanwhile I'm a very jovial person who loves to smile (people call me 'smiley').
Don't get it twisted..., he loves me..., he claims to have always loved me.( he always showered me with gifts and did a lot of stuff for me).
But right now, I don't feel that lil 'spark' for him, I don't believe anything he tells me, and I don't trust him. He keeps asking me my problem and tells me, ' he loves me so much..., even the heavens know but I'm not reciprocating the love and he feels I look down on him (I see him like a 'just like that man'). But the truth is...I can't help it.
He's made me not to take him for his word from what he had been doing back then and thought he could hide. I feel like I wasn't valued earlier..., why then do you want to value me now?
Please advice me on what to do because right now, I seriously don't value him as much as I used to; meanwhile, he feels it's now he should start his.
He always had my pictures on instagram, Whatsapp and social media platforms, but it never tripped me though. And this girl that was my senior back then in school, there was this particular day she kept calling and I wondered why he didn't pick. I assumed it was because he was driving, then he said she was asking him to lend her money...
The day I confronted her, I made mention of it just to catch his lies and she said she never asked him for any money, then she started blabbing and saying stuff... He was the one that chased her and is now making it look as though she chased him and all; he always came to her house. (I felt so devastated) I felt cheated, lied to and taken for a ride. I see the way some girls look at me sometimes and I jus know it's coz of him..., and when I tell him, he gets angry (then I wonder why you do stuff if you don't want them to haunt you). My instincts hardly fail me...
I just feel he did this to me because I'm just naturally a very nice person who doesn't like to pick up fights or quarrels, I don't even have time for men because I hate emotional trauma and I had never even slept with any man. So it makes me feel like that's the reason why he did this to me.
The truth is... if I had known all these before the marriage, I won't even be here with him to have little value for him. But I'm here and I just see him like a big liar!!!!
One more thing ma... I confronted that girl for the simple reason that I knew her and thought even when he claimed she was a friend (I innocently took him for his word), and she knew he was my fiancé; likewise she was dating his younger cousin. I thought she was old enough to be a wise woman and not be vulnerable to men like a teenager. If I had not known her, I wouldn't have had any reason to confront her.
After I even confronted her, she had lied that she no longer had his number and all, next thing she called him and started shouting on him..( imagine how he had belittled himself, I was so ashamed). And back then he would take me out and say 'this is basically what he does when he goes out. (Not knowing it was a big lie... He sometimes picks some ladies up and take them home for sleepovers). All these I never knew till things unraveled themselves after we got married. I even sometimes had dreams of him misbehaving with other ladies... and when I confront him, he'll lie and say there's nothing like that. I began to have a 'not proud of him feeling'. He would point accussing fingers to his friends saying they like women and all that (like someone who sinned differently from them).
When I found out and we spoke about it... he said he kept lying coz it's difficult to tell the truth. And he and his friends believed in keeping a main woman and other people who they don't take serious.
Personally I believe if a man loves me, he won't behave that way. He won't even want to lie to me. But I wondered why he would cast his friends in front of me while he was in a habit of doing same thing, but just wanted me to believe he was different (He wanted me commited while he was just involved in the relationship).
Right now..., he says his friends always complain that he's forming righteous like I tied him to always be home and all... but I told him if he had shown his friends my value, they won't have the nerves to say that and he got angry. He even keeps pictures of some random girls from where I don't know and ex-girlfriends.
I told him I didn't like it and he said he will never delete them because when these people come to help him, I won't be there (I wonder where I will be). I told him pictures don't help, humans do, and if he thinks it's these pictures that will help him, he will never see the help he's looking for. He still got angry about it.
Another thing he says is he wants to treat me too nicely now so that the days he falls and drops dead I won't want to remarry.. (he may be saying it with a pure heart but I feel it's selfishness).

Hmmmm, too early to have too many stories in your marriage, but the crux of your challenge is trust. 
I feel that you married a 'smooth operator' nice man who married a wonderful lady, and is trying his best to balance his marital life with his 'other' life. 
Since there is room for communication and deliberation, I will suggest that you explore that avenue to let him know how you feel, your worries and your concerns. But whether your concerns will make him change is what I'm not certain about. 
I will suggest that you forgive him and give him some time to make amends. Address issues that concerns your marriage, and please quit confronting anyone for any reason. Your husband is your major concern, not his friends or concubines. 
Let's hope that he will make amends in his attitude towards other ladies. If he's unable to make amends, then you may need to consider involving your families in your marriage. 
Infidelity has a dire impact on any marriage and one that shouldn't be ignored. If he continues to cheat on you, please involve your families so that they can talk to both of you. 
I am hopeful that he will make amends, unless he doesn't value his marriage more than his concubines or friends as he calls them.

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