Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Should I Stay with His Family after Wedding?

Good morning Aunty Amara, may God continue to enrich you with more wisdom. Please I have a problem eating me up seriously and I need your advice like never before.
Will be getting married next year to the most wonderful guy ever. In fact, I now understand what it means to wait patiently for your God given life partner.
I can confidently give a lecture on that. Because at a point in my life, my friends thought I was stupid for not making a choice of life partner despite having loads of suitors since my secondary school days. But I just knew what I wanted and prayed for.
In fact, it became worse when most of my suitors started getting married and I felt so bad because am human. It even got to a point I didn't even have a guy saying hi to me. Thanks to my mum and siblings that stood by me and encouraged me. So I made up my mind to go develop myself. I started my masters and went for some professional courses.
Just while doing my masters, I met him. We became just friends and now we are here. Guess what, he is everything I ever wanted.  In fact, he is God sent. No man has ever loved me the way he does. He turned out to be different from all other.
Now he is suggesting that after the wedding,  we will be staying in his family house because he intends renovating the house to suit us while he builds our own house. But I told him that he can rent an apartment since you can get cheap houses in the town he resides while he builds his house. I feel once he renovates the parents house, he will not be in a haste building his house since the family house is comfortable. 
Aunty, to be frank with you, I don't ever like this idea whenever people mention it. I can't imagine myself passing through this delimma.  He is very focused and has big dream for our future. I strongly believe he is going places.  He has been begging me to agree with him and stand by him in this decision. It's so difficult for me. He has a very very good job so money is not the reason, he doesn't want to rent, just that he wants to make his parents comfortable and make his family not to experience poverty like they did while growing up.
His parents are nice people too. He intends to build his house in the same compound as his parents cause they have a big compound and it's a family land but I don't have problems with that. I told him we need privacy especially as newly married.
Ma, please what do you advice me in order not to have issues with him. How do I make him understand. Thanks ma.

How big is his family house? How accommodating are his siblings? How does he intend to manage the pressure of meeting your needs with that of his family? How will you adapt to him and his family's needs? How comfortable will he feel if you are moaning out of pleasure during your honeymoon? 
There are possibilities that his parents are wonderful, and that his siblings are amazing, but it is safer and healthier not to put a budding marriage under pressure, because it is a complex experience to a wife. 
Living with his family will put you under pressure to impress his family and at the same time fulfill your duties to your husband. If for some reason there is some difference or misunderstanding or mistake on your part, it will automatically put stress on you to be perfect instead of being you. 
If there were limited funds, most definitely I will encourage you to adapt since you are now one with his family, but where there is enough resources to rent an apartment, I am of the opinion that he doesn't put you under unnecessary pressure by taking you straight to his family. 
It is a whole lot better to gradually bond with his extended family and understand some of the realities which nobody told you about, than for you to kick off your marriage trying to fit into the perfect image of his family. 
The first three years should be a moment for the husband and wife to understand intricacies of their personality without unnecessary interference. 
If he will be comfortable with reading my thoughts, I will suggest that you share this with him and then allow him decide what he feels is the best for him. 
Whatever he feels is the best option, please support him, and be hopeful that in the shortest period of time, your home will be erected. 

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