Wednesday, April 25, 2018

What is my Self-worth in His Life?

I am finding it hard knowing my self worth. I am 25 years old, married with a child. My husband and I stay apart because of his job.

All throughout my three years and five months of being married to my husband, it has been hellish.. Ranging from abuse from his family and from him. No physical abuse though but the mental torture and emotional blackmail I have endured in these years have really had its tow on me.
Sometimes, I get suicidal thoughts but I don't succumb to it because of my child. My husband cheats on me. When I bring it to his notice, he ends up blaming me and at the end, I will start to begging him for accusing him.

Now if I see him chatting with a girl in a way that tells that he's cheating on me, I am not able to confront him because at the end I start begging him to forgive me.
Sometimes, after chatting with the girl, he will delete the messages and when I confront him, he will tell me that he does not want me to see anything that will hurt me in the messages hence deleting them..
I love my husband but am losing my mind. Just yesterday, he did exactly what I said up there, (he does it mostly at night when we are supposed to be sleeping), I woke up angry, he asked why the anger, I couldn't answer him because I will end up begging him for accusing him. So because I didn't answer him, he started rejecting my food.

Before I got married, I used to be very happy, lively, friendly, but now I am sad and a very bitter person.
He's relationship with my family is strained, he does not call my family, don't talk about them (not bothered sha) but forces me to always call his siblings, to apologize to them for my wrongs towards them whereas they where the ones that humiliated me and abused me.
As I write, I am with him in the state where he works, (I came so that he doesn't say I left him at the mercy of other girls) but I am thinking of going back home since my presence isn't necessary...
I am sorry for the long epistle, I needed to pour out my heart to you.
I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you.

Pause for a moment and think. Who are you? What are you afraid of losing? What exactly is more important to you as an individual, human, woman, and mother? What exactly is your life worth? 
I see a lady who is beautiful, selfless, but so timid and afraid to stand up for herself and walk with her own feet. 

I see a gorgeous woman, who has willingly willed herself to another human to be abused, manipulated, tortured, and traumatized, in the name of marriage. 
If you lose your mind or your life, do you think those things you held unto so much will make sense? If you allow another human to destroy your beautiful life, would that make you feel better or happier or more fulfilled as a human? 
There is no respect, appreciation, or any form of friendship in your marriage, making it difficult for you to communicate or commune with your husband. 

He cheats, you beg. 
He does evil, you apologize for it 
You ask questions, you also apologize for asking questions. 
Your family is dead to him, but you must worship him and his family. 
Nothing about you matters to him, but you are slowly dying to please him. 
Finally, he manipulates you using every possible excuse or means, and guess what, you have decided to tow the path of being humiliated for love. 

Good news, this is not what marriage ought to be, and what you are experiencing is capable of taking your life or destroying everything that makes you human. 
You have to choose what exactly matters to you at this point. If you decide not to choose, you will be rest assured that you will continue to become his slave for life...well unless by a stroke of luck or fate or favour, he changes. 

If you don't speak up and declare your stand, then you will have no option but to subservient to his authority no matter how demeaning it is to your health and happiness. 

Now is the best time to place a worth to your life, else you may only be defined by the worth your husband places to your life. 
There is absolutely nothing wrong with negotiating what you want, and letting your husband know exactly what you want or cannot tolerate. 

This is marriage, meaning a joint partnership, not a job where your duty is to serve and be humiliated by another man. There must be a room for you to express yourself and not be manipulated; to ask questions and get answers, to let him know exactly what you cannot tolerate and be respected for it, and to demand for what you want, and be listened to.

If he doesn't treat you like a woman who has a family, it's simply because you haven't let him know how important your family is to you. If he doesn't place great worth to yourself, it's simply because you have been eating food meant for dogs. And until you wake up and define how you should be treated, he will always make you feel miserable in his life. 

I say, wake up, it's morning, and do not tolerate what is capable of terminating your life.

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