Sunday, September 23, 2018

I Feel like Calling off the Marriage! Help me!

Good afternoon ma, thanks for this platform. Please this is really urgent ma, please help me post I beg you. 
Ma, I couldn't sleep all night, I am planning my marriage(trad) and boo isn't in Nigeria. When they came for introduction they had a heated argument with my family over beer because they came with malt only, I had to call my older cousins and gave them money for drinks for peace to reign. 
Now the issue is, his parents are very churchy and they're insisting on not bringing the beer that was enlisted in my list. After much deliberations, my family agreed on them converting it to malt as if it isn't enough, they said they will not do umunna( killing of goat for umunna) which is a norm! It's not even debatable. What kinda religious people impose their beliefs on others? I am so angry that all I can think of is call off everything. This is someone I have dated for years, we built each other and thankfully he is doing well in the US and we're working on me joining him in December and come back for the wedding next year. Mind you, the trad is going to be parlour setting, all because he's spending a lot at the moment for me to join him which I don't mind; all for love. 
I asked him where he stands in all of these because when the wedding comes, no one will tell me how to plan my wedding or the kinda drinks and songs that will be used to entertain my guests. He said he will try to convince his dad which I think is almost impossible, you know how these very religious people do, dad is late, mum is fed up! 
I even begged my fiance to send money for the goat and bypass his dad, he said he won't do such as he respects his dad, okay if dad refuses he will let go of every single thing we have been through?? ( I kid you not, we could barely afford anything the past years)but we stood strong for each other and now family is about to tear us apart?? Please help me, I don't want a man who will choose his family over me in the future.

Tradition was there before you were born, but these traditions were made by men not God. If that be the case, then humans have the right to choose traditions that they are comfortable with, and traditions that negates their conviction. 
If you and your mother decide to destroy your marriage and happiness because of a tradition of killing goat and buying beer, then it only means that you do not in any way value your relationship as much as you value your tradition. 
Wisdom demands tolerance, understanding, mutual respect, and genuine compromise on your side and their side to make everyone happy and cement your marriage. 
Since his parents are Christians(intolerant in your word), you must seek ways or compromise between your mother and your family, and find a way to make it suitable for your family and his family. If they agreed to convert the beer to malt, they will also accept anything that they feel align with their conviction. 
It is your duty and responsibility to let your family to know that your in-laws are intolerant Christians, and will find it difficult fulfilling some of the traditional rites. 
I'm sure that your elders will find a way around it without you losing your beautiful relationship. 
Again, you must learn to see the bigger picture of things, labeling your in-laws intolerant and threatening to call off the marriage only suggests that you don't look beyond the current circumstances around you. 
Both of you have come this far with love, selfless devotion, commitment, focus and perseverance. Both of you stood by each other even when your elders never cared how you were feeding or growing. 
Now that marriage is in the picture, I believe that you should know better than to let irrelevant thing as goat make you lose your husband. 
Or are you expecting your partner to force them to do what is against their faith, if they can get a compromise from your family? 
Again, the options are before you, but I hope you don't make choices that have short term relevance and long term regrets. 
You know what's more important to you at this point in your life, go for what you feel makes you feel happy and at peace with yourself.


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