Monday, October 24, 2016

Is My Complaints Enough Reason For A Break-up?

Dear Amara,
Thanks a lot for creating this platform.
I started dating my boyfriend in December after a devasting heartbreak in May 2015. We were so happy together until June 2016 when he said he wanted my dad to know his intentions of marrying me by July of the next year. Because of an experience I had of my dad rejecting a spouse for me I was scared so I delayed a bit in telling my dad and I even begged him to give me time because he knew about what happened and how I felt during that period,
but he kept on presurring me that he was travelling in two months and that by the next month he would go to see his family and spend time with them as well as plan to travel so he needed my dad to know which eventually made us to quarrel. He ended up saying that if we didn't have a solid foundation before he travels (he was to travel for his PhD on scholarship abroad) that we would need a miracle to survive and I jejely told him that I don't want a miracle relationship but I want a man who would love me hundred percent because I know that my level of commitment is always on point, so maybe he needs to find someone who had her life plans in her hands and be with her because to me that was a threat. Like if my dad doesn't know then anything can happen as regards to him. He also said that I didn't know what I wanted that I wasn't making plans to come be with him as in applying to schools abroad. I was applying to schools abroad, making calls to these schools as well as copying him in these mails but because of how different our educational system is in Nigeria, as a graduate I was finding it difficult to get schools on scholarship and my dad had already told me he didn't have money for me to go abroad since he was already training my brother abroad. I am a graduate and I work as well.
Now after this quarrel my boyfriend built walls and stopped communiating like before. I complained about it and he didn't change rather he told me that my attitude and comments during our fight made him build his walls because he was scared and unsure. How? We settled the issue and he met my dad eventually and my dad asked him basic questions so how else was I suppose to show him that we were in it together, the distance continued like that till he travelled. He got to his destination and was always chatting with me on BBM. When I asked why he hadn't called me he told me he just got his US number and his contract restricts him to US and Canada.
Ehen! Where? How then did you reach your parents? How did you tell your friends you had arrived your destination? He travelled and for six weeks, we were chatting on BBM and I wasn't comfortable with it. So I asked him definite questions like why he hadn't called me even if it's WhatsApp so I can talk to him because I knew that he was calling his friends but I didn't have the number and what the lack of communication was making me feel (sidelined, unimportant and used ie he had gotten what he wanted and left.)
I told him that I was a good woman and I prayed, he didn't realise when it was too late. He got angry and said that how can I say those things to him. That didn't I know that I caused him to build those walls when we had our fight in June by saying all those hurtful things I said. In fact we had a back and forth chat of him telling me my words hurt him ie that I said he had gotten what he wanted and left, that how can I say that, and I kept on emphasing how we weren't communicating enough to keep the relationship going as a long distance one. He then broke up with me because I said hurtful things to him. I told him that I respect his decisions but I know that I didn't insult him that I only said my mind.
Since that day, almost six weeks now, we haven't spoken. Believe me, I was complaining because I wanted my relationship to work and I wanted things to be how they used to be before. If I didn't love him I would go with the flow and let the relationship die. Maybe he is behaving that way because he has travelled out and he feels he is on cloud nine. But I don't know if I did wrong by complaining and now am hurting because I keep wondering if that is enough reason to break up with someone you love and want to spend your life with.
So sorry for the long write up and probable mistakes. I guess am just emotional.

There's more to the mail that you didn't say, and I will implore you to talk to me and help me understand exactly what transpired in your relationship. 
According to you, he planned to see your father but you delayed and discouraged him. The question is, what exactly happened when you discouraged him from seeing your dad? 
After he succeeded in meeting with your dad, what and what did you say that made him react in the manner he did? 
What you say is not as important as how you say it, and your purpose behind your statement. 
If you truly cherish him and the relationship, you won't compare him with your ex or anyone else. Secondly you wouldn't have discouraged him from taking the bold step of meeting your dad when he planned to, but I guess you know better than I do. 
Since he has broken up with you, give him some time and space and observe his reaction and actions. If after thirty days he doesn't reach out to you, please contact him and find out whether he's bent on moving on with his life. 
If he's no longer interested in the relationship, then you may need to move on with your life and learn from this relationship.
Men have moments when they feel like doing anything in life including getting married, if you stand in their way for whatever reasons that is best known to you, you may end up pushing him to the arms of another lady. 
Understanding how best to manage those moments will greatly help you to reach a compromise without destroying the relationship.

1 comment:

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