Monday, May 8, 2017

Should I Settle for my Boyfriend or a Widower?

Good evening AVL, I have been battling with this issue for quite a while now, with no one to talk to, I thought I could open up to you.
I'm considering dating a widower, and I've known him since 2011/2012.
Before he got married, he badly needed a wife then and had a liking for me. He asked our tenant at the time who I was, and the tenant told him that I'm his girlfriend and so he backed off.
Years after we got talking and he asked about my boyfriend referring to the tenant, I was surprised that he thought the guy was my boyfriend, and I told him we never dated and he shouted, shocked at how that guy made him "lose" me.
Even as he was married, he still wanted to go out with me but I refused, siting his marriage as a reason why I won't. Over time he and my family have become quite close, he could call my mum up any time he pleases, my mum and his mum bonded too during the period she came to visit him.
A month ago his wife died - childless. Although he is still battling with the reality of losing his wife, he is back on my case and has reiterated that he wants to marry me sometime next year, that's after he is over the death of his wife. I really like him and won't mind but I'm bothered about what people's reaction will be plus he is fifteen years older than me, and I have a boyfriend of almost five years. 
I'm a 27 years old lady and this boyfriend will be 32 years this year. We met and started dating during our NYSC and we've been together since then. Ever since we passed out, he has been in and out of jobs, he has been squatting with his cousin without a job for over a year now, although he just got a job and he is yet to resume, he is not good with money, he doesn't know how to save, he claims to have responsibilities that makes him part with money, because he is always broke weeks before his next pay day and he is always in debt, need I add, he plays BetNaija. I'm becoming worried that I might have been wasting my time with him because only a miracle can make a wedding happen between us within a year because even if he gets a job,  he cannot save enough to get married in a year, his family likes me, although I'm a shy  person, I manage to get along with them. Asides the financial issue, I don't doubt his love for me, he hopes to marry me some day but after almost five years there's still no wedding in sight.
Although he is a nice person, lovable, jovial and gets along with people easily, he doesn't go to church much and I have never seen or heard him pray. This widower is from the East (my mum's village to be precise) and is a Catholic like I am while the boyfriend is Urhobo, and just recently started attending a church his uncle started. I have never been comfortable in any Pentecostal church or see myself ever worshipping there as a member plus I'm the first and only daughter of my parents and I don't know how they'll take my marrying an uhrobo man (if that were to happen).
Of the almost five years relationship, one year was during NYSC, three years it was a long distant relationship, the remaining one year is relatively a distant relationship because the widower lives in my neighbourhood while the boyfriend is in another farther part of the state living with his cousin.
I recently discovered that this boyfriend cheated on me, although they broke up because he told her that he will not place another woman above me. My love for the boyfriend is running low, anything I do, whether call or chat is just to keep up appearance.
Please what do I do?

What I'm about to say may not be true but it's my perception of your mail. 
Your mail seems to be looking for a bad name to give a cat so that you can easily discharge it. Your mail favoured your widower so much and condemned your boyfriend in so many ways. Here is my question, if truly your boyfriend had all these flaws and limitations, what on earth were you keeping appearance for? Why keep him as a loose end according to you when you saw the obvious incompatibilities and inconsistencies in his personality? You see why I feel that your mail was a bit not plain, but I will share my thoughts with you notwithstanding. 
I understand your concerns about his inability to save money and plan for his future, but in all sincerity he's not a lazy man nor is he a laid back man who doesn't want to strive to make ends meet. 
He has been in job and out of job, and though you may have issues with the way he spends his funds, there is every probability that he actually has more responsibilities than you may probably imagine. So crucifying him on the basis of his financial limitations is not the best way to approach things. 
I feel that a heart to heart discussion will actually put a lot of things to rest with respect to his plans, his vision and his financial management.
Secondly, if you could put up with the distance, his church or spiritual life, his betting, his state of origin, and his shortcomings for five years, are you somehow suggesting that you did all these just to save face? 
I understand that you really love the widower much more than you love your boyfriend of five years, but I want you to know that he's also a human with limitations, shortcomings, and weaknesses. 
He may seem to be your perfect kind of a man but I will encourage you not to be in a hurry so that you don't make a decision that you will regret for the rest of your life. 
A married man who comfortably kept his eyes on you and your family while his wife was there doesn't strike to me as a man who cherishes faithfulness as a virtue. 
But I am not in the best position to decide who you should go for, nor am I here to condemn any of the two men. 
Every man comes with his own unique personality, vision, passion, and weaknesses. You are the only one who knows who you feel comfortable with and who you can love without reservations irrespective of his shortcomings or limitations. 
His age difference is not a limitation if you are comfortable with him and both of you have a healthy communication skills. The opinion of others is in their head, heart, and lips, if you want to live for others then I will suggest you pay attention to their opinion, but if you desire to live for God and for yourself, I don't think that it matters what anyone says about you or your decision. 
If you feel that your boyfriend is wasting your time, please terminate your relationship with him and move on with your life, but don't keep your boyfriend in the corner and be considering marriage with another man.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Designed by Tunde Sanusi (Tuham)