Monday, May 7, 2018

Does He Have any Love for Me?

Dear Amara,
As I write, I am still confused and wondered if my hubby ever had any love for me.
I came home on a journey, I was all stressed out and very moody(am pregnant too). That same night, hubby wanted to have sex, but I was so tired, he was touching me, but I was not really on.
I politely explained to him that I was not in the mood (this is the first time I told him since ever since we got married). I have never told him I was not in the mood when he made advances, but this day and it was for the fact I was stressed(we are four months months in marriage}. He marked the day for me, and asked if I really want to do this. I thought he would understand and not take it up as he did.
I have cried and apologized to him, but he has stopped talking to me, he tells me nothing about the things he does anymore because of it, he acts like he never loved me.
And this is a man that I have lost counts of how many times he doesn't satisfy me, he does not last a minute in bed, and yet I have never complained nor made him feel bad about it nor cheated on him. I always respond to him like that until that day that my body system was down and unresponsive.
I do not know how to go about this because I know he has a lot of girls he dated in the past that he is still in close contact with.
I didn't mean to deny him sex for that night, I only hoped he would understand, but he doesn't even care not even for our baby's sake...what do I do?

Wipe your tears, and stop apologising for being a woman, being tired, being weak, being pregnant with your baby, and not being responsive to his sexual advances.
You should always remember that you must learn to communicate your choices, perception, opinions, and decisions to your Spouse, and learn how to communicate effectively with your husband without being manipulated by your husband.
This phase of your marriage is the reality phase, where being nice, tender, soft or romantic may not exactly be the best approach to communicate your choices to him.
If he decides to cheat or be irresponsible because you respectfully turned down his sex advance, then he did, not necessarily because of your action but because he chose to.
Your husband needs to understand that the vagina of a lady is not a separate entity from her body. If you're tired, moody, and weak, it will most definitely affect your response to sexual intimacy.
Make out time to discuss this with him, let him know in plain terms what happened, why you turned him down, and why you couldn't have sex with him that night.
If he's still avoiding you or not communicating with you, then you may need to consider talking to someone(within your family, his famil or your faith) that he respects who will educate him on what it means to be married.
Another option would be to go for antenatal classes with him so that he will learn the basics of how to take care of a pregnant wife, and the dynamics of sexual intercourse during pregnancy.
The third option would be to give him some space and focus on yourself and your health. You don't let anyone frustrate you for being human and for telling him the truth when he made advance for sex.
Finally, it pays to be honest, real, and to demand for what you desire in your marriage. Apparently, you haven't been enjoying sex with him, but you decided to manage it, and now that you turned down his sex request, his attitude is reminding you of days of embarrassing sexual intimacy.
Learn to express yourself more (respectfully I must add), learn to ask for what you want, and when you don't get what you asked for, ask for more and take charge of your sexual need. If you decide to manage sex, he will never improve on his skills or do anything to satisfy you in bed.
I feel that his attitude is reflecting his immaturity about sex and pregnancy, so maybe with time and experience he will learn and make amends. Maybe he loves sex much more than he loves you or that he loves you but is letting his ego destroy your beautiful marriage.
Pray, communicate and give him some time... Hopefully he will grow and relate better with you.

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