Wednesday, June 27, 2018

I'm Dying of Depression!

Ma'am please I need your advice.... I am at my 32 years old now. In 2016, I got a new job which took me to a very popular city in Nigeria. I stayed with my aunt but after one month of my stay there, I was pleaded by my aunty to introduce me to a guy that was asking her to connect me to his friend that is in search if a wife.
At first I refused because I knew what I was looking for in a man, but later excepted to go on a date with them and I met the man I was introduced to and we both liked ourselves. The next day he asked me out just, the two of us, which I accepted and that was when he told me that he was once married and how badly the lady treated him, and the marriage lasted for just a year before the lady and her family returned her bride price....

I noticed how heartbroken he has been and I decided to love him and make him forget everything.... We talked about our past relationships and I told him I wasn't in any relationship at that time; and that was the honest truth..but he told me after his marriage broke-up that he only sleep with ladies and pay them off, and one lady among the runs girls they use to bring for him was the one he thinks is a nice person, then he asked her to stay with him so he can take care of her.
I asked him why didn't he want to marry her, and he said the way they met and they didn't agree to marry and they were not together anymore..... I accepted

We both started talking, falling in love; he can't stay a day without seeing or talking to me. We started planning for our wedding but he insisted on not wedding again because he did wed with the first wife which I disagreed, but my aunt and hubby asked me to accept since wedding doesn't define marriage, and I accepted.
After one month, he then wanted me to come and visit him which I accepted, but I told him that he has to inform my people since we were on marriage line. He accepted and came with three cartons of drinks and told my uncle and aunt to inform my parent about our plan to get married, and that he wanted me to spend few days in his house which they accepted....
We left for his house; that night he asked for sex, I refused and told him we have to wait but I touched him and made him cum. The second night, he did the same but I refused again, and made him cum, but the third day I was getting weak and because I love him and wanted him too so he kept asking for sex which I refused, and he said when I love someone that I have to sacrifice something to prove that truly I love the person. So out of love, I gave in to sex with him without protection and same we did the next day....

This guy took me to everywhere he has properties and told me his business partner and how much they were owing him in case of future, and he also came to my office to meet my boss and told him we were about getting married...
At the month end of the same month we slept together, so I became so very sick which I was told in the hospital that I don't have enough blood and that I was pregnant. I called him and told him of these. Guess what? He told me he wasn't ready for that now, that I should know what to do about it....
With no much stress I left and after that day he called me and said I should keep the baby, I accepted and tried as much as I could to hide it from my people....
After a week, he called me again and said I should get rid of the baby, which made me cry myself to stupor. I went to the hospital to meet one lady doctor, I pleaded for abortion but she refused and told me that my life was astake if I go for abortion because I had shortage of blood already, and that period a prophecy was coming from people to my mom towards me about death.
My kid sister woke up one morning and told me how blood was coming out of my tummy and I gave up the ghost, and non of them knew I was pregnant nor was considering abortion, so I became so scared...
After a week again, he called me to keep the baby and I accepted. After two days he called that he was depressed because of the pregnancy, that he doesn't want it again, that was when I now involved the people that connected me to him. I talked to the lady and she said she will talk to him.
After that, he called and said he would like to travel with me to see my people, which we did with lots of drinks. When he told my father his intension, my dad asked him if his people was aware of his movement and intention, he said yes and he was given three kolanuts as tradition to give to his people, he accepted it and left....
I was in the village with my parents and went to meet him in Enugu the next day for our flight back to base. Before we came back to villa, I started seeing lady's pants and wears in the house which I overlooked, but asked him politely and he said it was his ex that left it there before he met me. I accepted and told him I don't like it....
When I got to Enugu for our flight back to base, this same man became someone I didn't know. From the airport he stopped talking to me and was very very angry for no reason... 

After we arrived home, he gave me money for registration of antenatal care which I did, and after two days he called again with the same story of being depressed that I should get rid of the pregnancy which I tried, all my effort and that of my kid sister failed. 
It got to a point that I had to ask my aunt to take me to her family doctor for the abortion, that was when she and her husband knew I was pregnant because I was living with them.

My aunt's husband refused for me to go for abortion and that he wanted to see the guy...."how can he come to his house and plead with him that he love me so much and wants to get married to me and even went ahead to see my parent and then want me to go for an abortion"
That was when a lot of issues started, he accepted for me to keep the baby but his attitude changed and he said anytime he sees me, he become depressed.

When I was three months gone, the father came to see me and pleaded with me to bear with his son that he was betrayed by the ex wife, that's why it took him three years to decide to settle down.

After that, all his family members and his mum kept calling me, but I never told anyone the abortion issue I was going through with him. Even with the pregnancy he did not allow me to visit him but only called to come stay a day or two.

I kept seeing female things, I later got to find out that the lady the husband connected me with him was actually sleeping with him, because I saw a text message where the lady was telling him to keep his baby and he told her he can't refuse anything she asks of him and she should teach me those things she used to do to him, how to love and pamper him.

Also saw the later messages she sent to him telling him how she love him passionately... The lady is married with two kids. 
I also saw during the period he said he was depressed they were bringing ladies for him which he do pay off after. 

The worse of it was the same lady he said used to be his girlfriend and runs girl later came back to him and they started their affairs again. 
I suffered during all the pregnancy period with tears and all the insults I was getting from the guy.
We hide the pregnancy from all my siblings, only my kid sister, my mom and the aunt and her husband knew.
The problem kept getting worse that he couldn't even call to know how I was doing but he does send me some money.
It got to a time I told him, 'since he does not want the baby anymore, that I am not desperate to get married but am just saving myself and I have accepted my fate to be a single mum'.

When I was seven months gone, I asked him to see me so we can talk. This man actually asked me to meet him in a fast food to discuss, which I told him I wanted to go to a place where no one knew me so that I can start a new live after given birth, he accepted and later called me to go to Abuja because I wanted to go to Ghana.

I refused but my aunt and hubby asked me to accept and just go since he said I should go to Abuja.
I obeyed and they started looking for a house for me, but it was taking to long so I contacted some people who got one apartment for me. I told him and he just transferred the money to me but never called again. 
I waited but he never did, I called and told him I would be leaving for Abuja in the next three days, he said OK and never called until the day I was leaving with a pregnancy of eight months.

When I got to Abuja, I was stranded because a friend I wanted to stay in her house disappointed me so, I went to look for a cheaper hotel, and that was where I stayed while looking for a house, and he was calling but I never answered. 
But I later answered and I got the house and lied to the landlord that I was married and my hubby stays abroad because I was tired of searching for house.
So the landlord asked for the guy's number, which I told him to call the landlord so that they can give me the house, he refused and said I should sort myself out.
In all of these, his family was calling and mine too, but I didn't tell anyone what I was going through.
I later took all the properties I used in school to Abuja because he is not ready to furnish the house. 
That was how I asked my mom to come stay with me until I gave birth and she came. 
He kept calling sometimes and he was happy and I told him that I guess he is happy now, he said yes he is, that I should try and be happy myself, that I am only facing the consequence of my sin. I overlooked everything. 

When I gave birth, I called him, he came with his brother and freinds. He stayed in the same house with me and my mom. I pleaded with my mom not to act or harass him because I believed we both will sort things out.
But the issue was that since the other lady found out that I was pregnant, she came and took over his house.
He does whatever she says, and the lady now have the documents to all his properties. 
He only comes to stay with use during working days, and during the weekend the lady will be in the house, he will return back to Lagos.

I have seen more than four messages he sent to the lady every new year telling her to go and forget the friendship because they can never be together as man and wife...that was before I even met him. 
Now I asked him to stay away from us because he doesn't even care about us or even my family. 
It got to a time my father called him and his father but he didn't show up, but the father did and started pleading that I should forgive his son because he told someone that I am being so desperate to marry him because of the things I saw he has. That was when I said I don't want him to anymore. 
All the siblings kept calling, both his mom and dad, they kept begging and I accepted after four months.
All to my surprise again, after all the pleading and he was coming to see us after four months he was coming from the same girl's village. 
Even before his people started begging, I told them about the girl, they all asked him and he said he has asked the girl to stay away that he won't marry her; still she kept coming.

So now we both have gone our separate ways because I can't stand him keeping me here as if all is well and keeping the other lady in Lagos. 
Now the mum and siblings are still calling me and asking me to please hold on, that he was bewitched by the girl. 
That all his friends has called the guy's parents to tell them that the girl said he must marry her. 
Now he is in a war with his family because he told them he wants to go and marry the girl now, but his mum and all his five siblings refused and said he can't marry her because he was the same person that told them that he doesn't want to marry the girl and all of a sudden decides to....

The problem now is that I am still so in love with this guy and anytime I look at my son, all I see is him. 
I am angry with him but I still love him.
The mom called yesterday and was begging me not to avoid his siblings because now the whole family is on prayer for him. 
His friends told his mom that this same lady was also the reason the first wife decided to end their marriage and return her pride price. 
The manager came to the house on Sunday and was telling me not to get too angry that the guy has been bewitched. 
This his manager has been his friend for 25 years. 

So now ma'am, what should I do in this situation?
I don't know how to move on, I have tried in so many ways, and even changed my number but still it's not working.
I am dying silently, I want to hate this guy but I just can't. 
I am thinking of travelling outside the country but I don't even have the money or means to take care of this baby only me, it is really killing me slowly. 
Sometimes I just want someone to just hug me and make me forget all these pains. 

Since 2016 till now, I have been in tears but people only sees my smiles but inside me I am almost dead.
Each time I close my eyes, all I see is that guy.
My pastor has ask me to forgive him which I have and since I forgave him, all the feelings I have for him just came back just like when we started. 

Ma'am please what should I do in this situation?
Please your advice will save a soul.... I am so depressed right now because of the loneliness and the difficulties of taking care of my baby. 

Life is complex, but it our responsibility not to make life complicated by our choices and decisions. 
1. At 30 years of age, you are responsible enough to discern what is genuine from what is fake. You have all it takes to make your decision and stand by it. 
Your aunt recommended a man to you, but it was your responsibility to decide whether to date him or not, not the decision of your aunt or her husband. 
2. Any woman who sees all the horrible red flags but still decides to go ahead and marry a man is simply D. E. S. P. E. R. A. T. E. for marriage. 
He was married before, but you never thought it wise to investigate about his previous marriage, his personality and his maturity before planning on getting married to him. 
You went close enough, saw pants everywhere, but you decided to ignore them because they were ornaments of decoration. 
He told you that he sleeps with ladies and pay them off, but it didn't send any message to you because you wanted to be the angel that will make him a better man that he clearly never was. 
He opposed the idea of church wedding/court marriage, because he perhaps never divorced his wife officially and may never divorce her in the future. 
You saw all these, but you and your aunt felt that love was supreme, and that marriage title was worth any pain. 

3. The man you got married to was clearly never prepared for any slightest form of commitment to you or any child. 
All he wanted was your vagina, and the moment your vagina trapped a baby for him, he simply hated everything about you. 
He is depressed because he felt manipulated by your pregnancy. And he is trapped because your aunt, his parents, and your parents are pressurising him to make a commitment that he was clearly never prepared for and may never give. 
Now who bears the pain the most? It is you of course. 

4. The only solution to this is for you to accept the responsibility for your decision and indecision, and brave up yourself for the responsibility of your son. 

5. It is okay to miss him, to love him, and to wish things were better, but you see, your love alone is insufficient to fix your marriage with him. 
I don't believe the bewitching theory, not because it's not possible but because from the beginning of the relationship, his attitude or lifestyle never portrayed any sense of responsibility, maturity or commitment to marriage. 
If his ex wife left for the same bewitching story, what makes you think that he will automatically leave the lady who's doing the bewitching for you? 

6. Both of you can come to an agreement on how to take care of your son and provide all his needs, but the decision of whether to continue with the marriage is entirely up to you. 

7. Remember this, his family only plead with you not necessarily because they genuinely care about you but simply because you have a son for him which they will do anything to keep within their reach. 
The whole idea of encouraging you is simply to make sure that you are within their purview and that you don't go far away from them. 

8. Torturing yourself by expecting so much from him, listening to fairytales from his friends and well wishers, and the bewitching story from his family will only lead you to more depression and pain. 

9. No matter how horrible a relationship, situation, marriage has been, there are always options to choose from. There is always a choice to be made, and there is always a consequence for every decision you make. 

10. You have the choice to stand up and take charge of your happiness, peace of mind and soul. You have the choice to walk away from everything that connects you to him and his family, and take responsibility for all you need and all your son needs. 
You also have a choice to pray for him, be patient with him, endure these moments no matter how long or short or painful it may be, and hope maybe he will change one day and become all you wished for in him 
The decision is entirely yours. 

11. You are the only one who decides what you wish to accommodate, tolerate, endure, suffer, and what you believe that you deserve in life.
This is your life, and whatever hurts you is an indicator of what you shouldn't accommodate in your life. 

12. Best wishes!

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