Saturday, September 15, 2018

Psychologically Unstable: How Do I Move on Without Him?

Aunty Amara, good morning. I'm a big fan of your page, please I need help.
I'm literally going crazy.
I met this guy on Facebook in 2015 ending... He finished from the secondary school I did JSS1-3. He's quite older than I am, like say I'm 21 now and he's 36. He's actually a nice, loving and caring guy. I initially didn't want to give my all In since it was just a Facebook friend. (I wasn't in the country as of then) and he called everyday and night.. That kind of persistency, I gave in about five months later... I fell madly in love with this guy despite the distance, he was on and serious for marriage and I was just 17+ and in medical school, he said he was going to wait,... 
Now the major problem, I'm Yoruba while he's Igbo. I'm Redeemed and he's Catholic... 
I came back to Nigeria in September 2016 due to that dollar increase, it really affected my mom since she was the only one paying my fees(my dad is retired)
Coming back, a week later we decided to meet up, I had just clocked 19 in March 2016,.... The moment we saw, I even loved him more, now he's not that much of a cute guy but he was perfect, didn't have much money, but I wasn't in for the money, lived in a self contained room, I wasn't complaining, I was down for him.... 
We had sex the first day we met, I was a secondary virgin (was initially raped at 14). Sex was great, he took away the fear of sex from me, loved my innocence, I could swear we were soulmates..... 
We got engaged in 2017, my mom saw the ring and that's when and where my problems started.. "You can't marry a Catholic, he doesn't believe in the same thing with you, he's igbo for that matter, can't you see he's much older than you? " etc, she insulted and frustrated my life.. Told my dad about him and life became hell. Being in a private school here in Nigeria, my pocket money reduced, and everything fell to worse....
My life became miserable... I'm actually the third child and only daughter of four children
I'm in tears right now typing this, I was forced to breakup with him in April and the threat was not funding my education.... I did breakup, and failed my second semester exams woefully......
Now the thing is, I'm in Uyo presently, I have been meeting up with him on occasions. I still love him but because time is not on his side, he found a girl... Now they're getting married by beginning of next year. 
I can't take it, I'm going crazy. 
He's asking me to attend the wedding, I'm still in love with this guy. 
I don't know how to move on
I have a list of people asking me out, but I can't say yes. 
Psychologically, I'm not stable now. 
I need help and advice please.

I could feel the pulse of love and innocent emotion you have for this wonderful man that you have come to love with all your heart. 
The most beautiful thing that can happen to any human being is finding that love that makes you feel fulfilled, peaceful, and whole, without needing to consider tribe, religious variations, and the manipulation or perception of those around us. 
But often times, we're faced with some realities that are beyond our comprehension and sometimes can't withstand without some kind of resistance from those we care about. 
The most painful thing about your challenge is that your loving boyfriend moved on so fast that he didn't even in any way offer any suggestion or support to help you talk to your parents. 
He neither offered to see your family nor waited for some time to see if your parents will give you a soft landing in the end, instead he went ahead in less than four months to make a commitment of marriage with another lady. 
I'm not saying that he doesn't have the right to, but it only makes this battle more complex for you because even if you genuinely love him, his allegiance is already with another lady, and you cannot convince your parents without him supporting you. 
This means that you are losing on both sides, and that makes you more vulnerable to hurt and disappointment. 
You need to realize that you need to put yourself together, equip yourself academically, financially, and mentally before considering marriage. 
You need to also realize that marriage is beyond romance and beautiful feelings that comes with relationship and dating. 
Your parents approach maybe wrong but you need to ask yourself what you really want to make out of this life, how you hope to achieve that, and then who you are willing to grow in love with to achieve your vision in life. 
Marriage will always wait for you whenever you wish to, but when you jump into marriage without preparing yourself for it, you may experience what you never anticipated in your life. 
I know it hurts, and you are emotionally and psychologically broken, but maybe this may be an opportunity for you to prepare yourself, and then improve on your academics and self development before venturing into marriage. 
Maybe this is an opportunity for you to take a time off from relationship and date your vision. 
Maybe you need to take a break from communicating with him, since he has already moved on, and then move on with your life. 
Maybe you need to consider the fact that you maybe in love with him, but may not be able to carry the responsibilities and challenges that comes with marriage at the moment, and as such will use this opportunity to build your life. 
If you still feel that you want to push your way to his heart, then you may wish to discuss with him, and then consider both of you visiting your parents with some elders or people that your parents respect and seek for their blessings. 
The question is, what happens to your academics after wedding should you get married to him? 
How will you cope if he doesn't have enough cash flow to cater for your needs and the need of the family? 
Marriage is what you need to plan, prepare yourself, and then prayerfully ask God to guide you in making the right choice of partner for yourself, so that you can enjoy your marriage long after your wedding. 
I know you are hurting, but remember that you owe yourself all the time and development you need to make the best decision when it comes to marriage.


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