I am Lonely in my Marriage:No Affection, No Attention!

Good morning everyone, please I will like you guys to advice me like you would advice your own sister...

I and my husband are from Nigeria but we reside in South Africa.. We dated for few months before he came to Nigeria to marry me and made papers for me to join him in S.A..

We live in a 2-bedroom apartment here but we only occupied one because one of my husband's friend that is a divorcee stays in the other room, they pay the house rent together. 

I have two kids already, I have told my husband to look for another apartment at least so that we can have our privacy as husband and wife, he refused saying he doesn't have money.. 

My husband is hard working and he tries his best to provide for I and his kids because I am not working yet because I don't have papers yet... I can say he is a good father to his kids but not a good husband to me because he doesn't care about my feelings.

It hurts me that I don't work at least I will be able to support..and things are not really moving well for him, but the issue that brought me here is that I am lonely in this marriage. No affection, no attention, he is always busy that he can't make out time for me. 

He doesn't even notice me. I am very clean, I make sure the house is neat. I am a size 14 but I am on diet now because I want to lose weight. He doesn't appreciate me or give me attention, and it is making me sad because I think I deserve better. 

It's been almost four years I joined him here but he hasn't slept with me more than five times, heaven bares me witness..even my two kids is just by God's Grace that I had them because any time he managed to touch me, I get pregnant. My first daughter is almost 3 and the second is 1 year old.

I think he married me just to bear kids for him because even when I am pregnant, he doesn't touch me. The five times he has slept with me in those years, I forced him most times. He will push me away or he will say he is tired or that I have weight. 

Since then, I vowed never to disturb him again, and he is not bothered at all. The last time he managed to touch me was 18th of November 2016 and that was when I got pregnant for my second daughter. Up until this moment I am typing this message, he hasn't touched me, and next month will make it two good years. 

I have complained and even threatened to leave the marriage yet he doesn't want to change. I have suggested we see a marriage counsellor or a doctor but he refused, he doesn't even care. 

He is very healthy, he even goes to gym every day...like gym is more important to him. I am so sad and the whole thing is making me depressed because I can't believe that a man I am married to can treat me this way. I know I am beautiful. I am 28 years old and he will be 41 by next month... 

I have complained to his elder sis, and she was shocked...like she didn't believe it. She was like so he doesn't know he married a young girl and she adviced me to pray about it that she doesn't think it is ordinary..I don't know what else to do. I think I have reached my breaking point. 

I have told him to make arrangement for me and my kids to return to Nigeria, that it is obvious he doesn't want to change, and he says I won't go anywhere with his kids, that instead of me to pray for God to bless him, I am talking about sex...yet he claims he loves me and that he is not cheating on me. I have even accused him of being Gay...and he will say I don't  have sense..

Please I need advice on what to do because I am planning to go and see his Rev father and tell him all that is going no and for him to help me beg him to send me back to Nigeria. I am tired. I have lost feeling for him, like there is no connection anymore..He is really pushing me outside. I am afraid if I continue this way, I may end up commiting adultery in this marriage. 

Please is this enough reason for me to leave this marriage?... Please my brothers and sisters, I need you guys to advice me..

God bless you all

Sexual fulfillment is one of the most important aspect in marriage, one that must not be compromised on for any reason, except on health grounds. 

If your partner is healthy, and intentionally starve you of sexual intimacy, you have every legitimate right to decide whether you wish to endure or walk away from the marriage. 

Instead of giving him a reason to call you a prostitute, drive you out of your home without dignity, and possibly embarrass you before the world because you chose to sleep outside, it is more honorable and convenient for you to take a walk and reorganize your life. 

From your mail, I can understand that you have exhausted all your options in helping him understand how important sexual intimacy is to you, and have taken the necessary step to seek medical help but he seems not willing to work with you or compromise to make you feel better or happier in your marriage. 

Admittedly, things may not be rosy for him and he's making efforts to change the financial fortune of his family, but that shouldn't mean that for five years of being with him, he was only able to touch you five times...it's really both heartbreaking and strange to say the least. 

At this point in your life, you should remember that you have a choice to make at every moment in your journey. You should also remember that your need in life are valid, but how you seek to satisfy your need is what matters most. 

If you have an option of honor and an option of dishonor before you, remember that you are no longer an individual but a mother whose daughters will emulated your life and share in your wisdom. So make a decision that in future you will never regret making such decision. 

As for reporting to your reverend father, how productive do you think that will be? Will he listen to him? Will he make amends for better after the consultation? Do you feel that he's the only person who can talk to him in a manner that he will make amend? 

If you feel that he's the one who can help you reach out to him, then feel absolutely free to talk to him about your marital woes..

In all, hold on to what matters most to you: your sanity, peace or mind, and happiness in life, and decide whether you wish to endure this emotional/psychological torture in your marriage or wish to walk away with your dignity and give yourself the privilege to enjoy being a human, woman, and mother.