There are many challenges in relationship and marriage as a result of varying forms of abuse which many either neglect during dating and courtship or condone hoping that someday, sometime, somehow, the person will change and become a saint in the marriage.
Many die hoping for the change while some have scars on their body all because they are made to believe in this near-impossible change and so they refuse to give up until they see it become a reality.
Marriage is a lifetime journey and most times I wish and pray that everyone that ventures into marriage understands that it is a commitment, a covenant that has direct influence on one’s destiny and fulfilment in life.
You can't make a decision based on pressure and the opinion of others and not find yourself with an abusive spouse. It is both expedient and important that you prepare yourself emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically to minimize the challenges and obstacles you may experience in your marriage. You could be old for marriage without being psychologically ready for marriage.
Abuse is anything that is done contrary to what the operational procedures ought to be or simply put abuse is using an object in a form or manner that was different from the manufacturer's intentions and purpose.
So when we talk about an abusive partner, we are making reference to an individual who has decided to emotionally torture another individual in such a manner that leaves the other partner depressed, devalued, and frustrated.
God instituted marriage and He never ordained marriage as a den of abusive partners.
He had good intentions but Mr. Devil decided to hijack God's purpose thereby giving the Devil the privilege to make a mess of marriage by corrupting the hearts of partners against their own partners.
Abuse is not gender sensitive as any gender can be abusive in a relationship and marriage which is why every individual who desires to be married someday in life must, as a matter of necessity, make sure that he or she isn't settling down with an abusive partner to avoid this emotional, psychological, and spiritual torture in marriage.
Abuse can be physical, emotional, mental, psychological, and spiritual and it can take any form or attitude which if not attended to may lead to loss of life.
Below are signs that you may be dating an abusive partner.
Selfishness
Many people easily excuse this as being a way of life for some individuals who feel that they can cope with such an attitude but in marriage, selfishness negates all the principles of companionship, communication, and commitment which forms the bedrock of any marriage. It is selfishness that makes a partner to compete against another. Selfishness will make a partner to starve another of sex and financial help even when he or she is in a position to help.
With selfishness comes misunderstandings which is always the source of disagreement and subsequently, conflict which if not properly managed may explode to violence.
Domineering Attitude
In this case one partner feels that he or she is better, more beautiful, wiser, more successful, or experienced than the other.
He or she never listens to the partner’s views nor contribute to help but will always criticize every little efforts the person makes and compares him or her at every slightest opportunity. He is doing her a favour by loving her and so she has nothing to offer; just sit where he tells you to sit. Abusive men always remind her of the scriptural injunction which says she must submit; they use spirituality to perpetually keep women under bondage.
An abusive partner does not apologize when wrong. A good number of African men are guilty of this. He’d rather buy you gifts and give you some money to cover up his flaws than let that word come out of his mouth.
A selfish partner will always do it his or her way and never allow the other person to do it his or her own way. As far as he or she is concerned, the partner is stupid, unexperienced, and has nothing meaningful to offer.
Painfully many individuals fail to see this as what it is-abuse but with time, they find it extremely difficult to continue to live with such pressure and timidity without even having the freedom to express their feelings and be heard.
Because relationship is a partnership between two individuals, adults, who respect and appreciate one another, it wouldn't be in your best interest to settle for a domineering partner because it comes with this huge bag of pressure than you can’t possibly cope with.
Infidelity
Do you know that infidelity is an abusive signal? Do you know that infidelity exposes you to sexually transmitted diseases or infections which has the potential to make your life miserable and at worse lose your life?
Why then do you see the glaring signals and still decide to get married to such a partner even when you know that you cannot cope with it?
I receive messages from girls who are made to stay with a boyfriend or fiancée who has admitted to dating other women but making her feel she is the one for marriage. Like seriously? Is that how much we have lost respect for ourselves? And what makes you think such a man will change in marriage? Tell yourself the truth; he can only get worse in marriage.
Extreme Anger and Jealousy
There are justifiable reasons to be jealous and angry with your partner but when you discover that an individual is possessed with anger; nothing ever makes him or her happy; nothing really excites him or her; he or she doesn’t want you around the opposite sex; you constantly get questioned over irrelevant things like your calls, time out with friends, activities in the office; he or she monitors your phone and without your permission, goes through your messages; he or she forces you to release your passwords… you obviously need some time for a talk with yourself regarding the future.
Abusive partners see your parents, siblings, and friends as serious threats to your relationship. In fact, some of them will go the extent of using your email and social media accounts to destroy your relationship with friends and relatives.
They neither believe in your commitment nor do they trust your personality. To an abusive partner, every noise brings suspicion and every whisper is love making. If he or she calls and you fail to pick up, there is no reason good enough to clear his or her doubt.
An abusive partner ensures you get stripped of every healthy relationship you have; they make you lose job and business opportunities; your friends must be his friends; you have no right to hang out with anyone unless he or she is there. All an abusive partner wants is to get you to begin to see yourself as nothing without him or her.
Unforgiving
There is no love if there's no forgiveness and the forgiveness is never complete if your partner always sing a song with your errors of the past.
Marriage was never made for the perfect and the self-righteous who have no flaws. Perfect people are saints in heaven. Marriage is a union of two imperfect and vulnerable individuals who understand their weaknesses and are willing to depend on the grace of God to work on their weakness while using their strength to make each other better.
They understand that as humans, they will make mistakes and so they need the assurance, support, understanding, and patience of their partner to become better. They trust their partner to protect them from the world.
When your partner finds it very difficult to forgive you and finds every reasonable avenue to remind you of your mistakes, there's no way you will be smiling with your partner and you will lose the freedom to open up to your partner.
Lack of forgiveness breeds bitterness and hatred in a relationship. If that person uses your past against you, it’s obvious he or she is not the right person for you.
Poor Communication
When you find yourself in a relationship where you can't be yourself and you can’t freely express yourself with your partner; when your fear for your partner is more than your freedom with him or her; when you feel more comfortable withdrawing yourself from your partner than you wish to get close to your partner; when he's too busy to call you and she's too busy to pick up your calls and possibly acknowledge your message or gifts; when you are with your partner and yet it feels as though you don't know anything about him or her; when you want to hide your life from that person; when you cannot discuss anything without one partner accusing the other or insulting the other or making reference to your personality or family; when you cannot disagree with your partner and still celebrate your uniqueness…, you are in the wrong relationship.
While there may be other signs that you are dating an abusive partner, these are the ones that stand out and if ignored, may put your life and marriage in great danger and in most cases, leaves you with many regrets and scars.
Don’t make yourself a case study; learn and take that step today to avoid being used as point of reference when abuse is discussed.
