Hello Aunty Amara, I have to say that you are doing an amazing job of improving the lives of many people through this forum, and for this, I say well done . I am writing to you about an issue that has bugged me for so long a time and I would love to get your opinion and that of your wonderful readers. This is going to be a very lengthy write up, so, I beg of you to exercise patience and read to the end. My story goes this way;
I had an issue as a child. I was molested on and off for a period of seven years by three different men (neighbor, primary school teacher and cousin) starting from when I was 5 years to 13 years. I wouldn't say I was a timid child, from the discussions I had with my mum, I was quiet, even curious but never timid.
It started with the neighbor (it's amazing how kids tend not to forget terrible things that happened to them). I can't really remember the details of my first encounter, but I can vividly remember that I used to end up in his room and he would finger me with long nails and it was so painful. Thinking about it, I don't know why I always ended up in his room, but I can say he had this sweet way with kids and practically every parent in that compound trusted him with their children. It didn't feel right, but I could not really explain what was happening. Well, "the whole thing" continued till he parked out of the compound.
Then, when I was in primary three(I was about seven or there about ), my teacher who was supposed to be in charge of our welfare, decided to single five girls whom he chose to molest. He would either send his culprit for the day to the bathroom or kitchen and then goes to meet the the child there and proceed with whatever he had in mind for that day. It was really frustrating. I would not forget this particular day; he tried touching me in class and I resisted. He was surprised, because I had never resisted him. He came again and I not only resisted, but I spilled my pen's ink on his white shirt. You wouldn't imagine the joy I felt. The look on his face was unbelievable. He told me to stay back after school hours and he threatened me with these words: "P, if you do not let me touch you, I would make sure the first position is taken away from you and given to another"(Now, coming back home without the first position was a huge problem). I smiled, looked at him and left.
True to his words, I didn't come first. But that didn't matter to me, what mattered most was that I stood up to him and it felt good. I can remember taking my result home and my mum said "do you think your dad will be happy with your performance? Because he won't be". I can remember saying within me if only you knew mum, if only you knew, then you would be proud of your daughter. I could not relate my ordeals to my parents because I was scared. There was this expectations I had to fill and I didn't want to appear as the child who already knew so much about things she shouldn't know.
My father was a great disciplinary and I just didn't know how he would react. I knew he loved us and wanted the best for all his kids and I didn't want to disappoint him. Moreover, things where not financially wonderful for us, and I didn't want to bother my parents with my issue. I saw how hard it was for them. Thinking about it now, I know my father would have killed them if he in anyway had known about these. Well, Mr primary three teacher continued with his atrocities until he was discovered by the school and sacked. I think the school didn't want to report him to the police because they also had their image to protect .
At about that time, my maternal cousin came to stay with us. There was something about him, that I couldn't place, but I knew I didn't like him and I could not explain why. And after staying awhile with us, he started touching me, the whole process repeating it self, this time, he tried forceful penetration repeatedly, but each time, he couldn't. I was dying deep down and couldn't take it. I resorted to suicide by jumping off a story building at just 9. I can remember the fear in my parents eyes and how badly they were affected. Deep down, I promised never to hurt them that way anymore. After recovering, and going back home, the molestation(fingering, touching and sucking my breast, slight penetration, and a lot of other things) continued but then, I learnt to start accepting it and also long for it. The older I got, the more I wanted. I willingly went to my cousin anywhere, anyplace. If he wasn't around, I went to anyone who was willing to touch me. It didn't feel good,nor okay but I craved for more . It made me feel beautiful and accepted.
Then when I was 10, I got admission to a prestigious secondary school. I was to be in the boarding school, far away from home. I was happy that I would not be touched, but that didn't prevent me from going to his house whenever I was on holidays, now, he had a place of his own and whenever any of my siblings wanted to go with me, I was very angry. This continued till when I was in JSS 3. Now to be honest why I stopped was because I could not imagine myself getting pregnant after my Guidance and Counsellor teacher talked about pregnancy and menstruation. I can't exactly explain where the courage came from, but I put a stop to it every thing.
During the holidays, I didn't go to him anymore, and when he tried coming to me I told him I wasn't interested. He threatened me by saying he would go to my parents, I can remember been so scared, but my mind was made up and I acted not to care. Surprisingly, he didn't go.
After this episode, the kind of hatred I had for myself was enormous. I hated my body, hated men, I hated being touched, I hated every thing about me. I wasn't beautiful enough, wasn't smart enough, I was pessimistic to the core, highly insecure, my grades dropped drastically, I was suffering from major depression, was really suicidal and I had massive guilty conscience .
People around me knew something was wrong, but only me knew my problem. I was able to pass that phase of my life learning to use laughter to camouflage how I felt deep within and not caring about anything. It's not as if I didn't relate with men, I did, but I felt they should be exploited and tossed aside. I reasoned all they wanted was who to manipulate, abuse and destroy. I had no respect for my body. I planned never on getting married, make a lot of money and help the unfortunate ones.
Later, I got admission into the University with a view to making a wonderful result. But along the line, I broke my rule and fell in love. Love to me was frivolous, so It felt so abnormal that I felt this way that I didn't even know I was capable of. It was so annoying but interestingly, it felt good. And gradually, I began to open my heart, and I realized I was this romantic die hard. I began longing for things I ordinarily didn't want ;a family, a husband, kids, a home and I was willing to work so hard to achieve this.
Even though I wanted these things and a wonderful relationship, this was my first major encounter with a male, and I was deficient in so many things. I couldn't express myself, I couldn't communicate , I was insecure and I was terribly damaged. Everything was a huge flop but I did love him with every fiber in me. Eventhough the relationship wasn't sexual, I felt really disgusted each time he touched me. I couldn't respond to touch of any kind and deep down, I was hating him so much and I could not understand how I could love and hate someone so much at the same time. I really did love him, but at the same time, I came to understand that love wasn't enough to keep a relationship and more over, I still had a lot of unresolved issues I didn't realize I had to deal with. No matter how understanding a man is, there is only so much he can take before he gives up. Within me, I realized that no matter how hard someone tries to save one , that one must also be willing to save him or herself before any form of healing can take place. It broke my heart that the relationship didn't work, but I have to say it taught me a lot about me, about relationships and guys. Do I still love him? Well, let's leave that one for another day.
Right now, am in another relationship with a wonderful guy, who can be counted on. He knows about my past but not as elaborate as this. At first, the relationship was exciting. But I realized after it became intimate, it got boring and tiring. And am feeling the same emotions all over again. Today I want to talk to him, tomorrow I don't want to have anything to do with him. I have been praying to God do give me the strength to deal with my issue. Even if it doesn't work out with this present guy, I really want to have a family in the future and I have come to understand that a great family requires the love God, the man and woman and also the understanding required to handle life's issues.
To be honest Aunty Amara, am at a cross road and I need help because at times,I get drowned in my overwhelmed emotions.
